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Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reflecting Through The Years

I was happy, very happy after I got to talk to the "priest-man", but it felt like it was more of a dream than real.  I heard his voice.  I actually had a brief conversation with my first love.  Though he said he didn't remember who I was, but when I mentioned that he was only three months older than I am, he quickly jumped to tell me "I know, I know"!

Being an optimistic, I surely took it as he remembered.  He told me he has cancer, a rare type of lung cancer, and that he opts for the pills as treatment, plus following a strict macrobiotic diet.  My slow brain couldn't process quickly what had just happened.  It all seemed so unreal for the most part.


From there I went into digging up the past, and brought out his little notes that he had written to me.  I have kept them for over 30 years, and all the souvenirs he left me.  I read through these notes, felt the love, anger, frustrations, disbelief, and disconnection.  I realized then that he had never really love me, and the person that loved me for that summer didn't even existed.

Yes, I went through every minute of my waking hours talking to him in my head, and yes, the urge of getting in touch with him again was strong.  I needed closure!  I needed to know the why and how and the final reason or explanation from him, but I didn't have the guts to do what I wanted.


I started to carry his notes with me everywhere, and reflecting through all the words that have written on the page.  It amazed me that this very loving and passionate person only surfaced for three months, but whom also knew full well of his calling or wanting to do in life.  The universe had interfered at a very early stage in our relationship and put a stop to it.  I faced that fact, and had to accept it.

Slowly, I learned to let go and learned to forgive him as I was instructed by an invisible force. I went through all my emotions, and found it was best that he wouldn't be hearing anything else from me.  He is settled! He has his own world! He is doing what God has called him to do.  Who am I to compete with that?

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..)




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12 comments:

  1. I am glad you are beginning to find peace with this. It has not been easy to have so little love and appreciation then to have it yanked right out from under you!!

    btw - you wouldn't know where i could find a little troll at, would you? I would love to give her a big hug!

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  2. Mumsy, it is so good to read that you finally reached closure and made peace inside your heart after so many years of turmoil over this.

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  3. Mums, thank you for sharing on this. The pictures really talk as well. I am still in the process of just understanding forgiveness. Blessings.

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  4. Finding that forgiveness and peace is so difficult!

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  5. I think we all have things that we need to bring to closure...and I am glad that you were able to do this Mumsy.

    Have a good day!

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  6. Isn't it funny how much we need that closure? Sometimes it comes in the oddest forms. Thankgoodness the relationship didn't last longer. It might have been harder to accept his calling.

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  7. I am glad you were able to reach an ending of this episode. It is very hard to let go when we want something so much.

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  8. Wow what a powerful pour your heart out. How your heart must have ached.

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  9. Hope you continue to find peace through the "letting go" process. Beautiful pictures!

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  10. It's very hard to let go and even harder to forgive.
    I'm glad you succeeded, finally poured your heart out and now forget this painful episode of your life.

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  11. I know you must feel relieved now that you feel you have your closure. I agree, he found God, and God found him and that is a combination no one could change. You have such a wonderful gift of putting your inner voice into the written word. I love reading your writings. Take care....XOXOXO Genie

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  12. Mumsy. Isn't it wild how we conclude when we are older? When I was younger, I looked for all the signs that I can find to show that the guy loved me. Now, I look back and it is, no, no, and no. Are you sure that was your final conviction?

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