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Monday, November 29, 2010

Dealing With Aggressive Black Cloud

We had a great Thanksgiving this year, because all my kid were with me.  Just to see them together was a blessing in itself, since children of divorce parents often left struggling between houses.  They also had no voice until they were old enough to make their own decision.

We ate our feast of turkey, stuffing, green bean casserole, smoked ham hock collar green, soup, and asparagus.  Even the fussiest person enjoyed the dinner without much complains.  We played speed scrabble after dinner, and just hung out.

We had two days of happiness without a care or bother, but as for life goes, it wouldn't be for long.  My littlest boy's birthday is next weekend, which fall into his dad's time, so the X texted me for the details of the event.  Since I have paid for all of my boy's soccer and basketball, I asked him to pick up the expenses.  He agreed, holy cow, and without the regular torments.

I knew he was up to something, and sure enough he bluntly tells me that he will bring his new "bedmate" to the party.  This announcement shot right into my nerve!  It is bad enough for my boy to have to deal with the dad's new toy every few weeks, now at his own birthday party too?

Ooh..I lost my cool and told the X to stop forcing this "aggressive black cloud" down our throat.  Is that really too much to ask when I all I wanted is a piece of space, my own space, without them always bug in and hang over me?  They have their world without any interference from me.  Why in the hell that I can't have mine?

It is a little boy's birthday for him and his friends, for peace's sake; not a freak show!!!

There is no situation to win or lose here if you ask me.  When they have my son to celebrate whatever, I don't insist on being there, and if you don't get it after reading this, here is the conclusion: I want my own space in my own world too!  Two hundred miles of separation is not far enough?

It makes me ill to think that these two are brainless, inconsiderate, aggressively forcing themselves into my  world, and think that they have a right to it.  They don't!!

Joining Pour Your Heart Out!
Thanks for being here!

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Twisted Vines

This is the vine of the wild grape that grew in my backyard.  When all the leaves were gone, I found them very interesting looking.  Each vine has its own twist and turn, just like us in life.

The twisted vines were gone now, and they were my simple pleasure.  I really agree that beauty is in the eyes of the beholder since I have shown these photos to a few friends, and they just couldn't see anything special about them. Registered & Protected

Friday, November 26, 2010

Blanket Flowers Still In Bloom

Vibrant Blanket Flower

I went to visit my dad's grave two days before Thanksgiving, and saw these blanket flowers still in their blooming stage, despite the weather of sheer cold, rain and wind.

Side-way Look to Blanket Flower

I couldn't believe my eyes to see such beautiful and vibrant colors stood so strong when it is near the end of November.  The plant was about 12 inches in height, but the flowers were big.

Deep Red and Yellow Blanket Blanket

It was so cold out there, and I could barely stand still for more than five minutes before heading back into the warm of my car.  It is amazing to know these flowers can survive for so long after the summer was gone. Registered & Protected

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Alphabe-Thursday, Thankful

The Alphabe-Thursday bloggers

First of all, it is Alphabe-Thursday, and it's also Thanksgiving day!  What am I thankful for:
  • Jenny Mattlock for hosting this wonderful meme, of course!
  • All the Alphabe-Thursday bloggers who have visited me, followed me, read me, commented on my posts, and subscribed to me.

Secondly, although my life seems to get the short end of the stick most of the time, there are still many things I'm thankful for:
  • I still have a house to live in after the scare of foreclosure!
  • My children are safe, fed, healthy, and generally good people!
  • My car is still running
  • Friends to talk to when I'm down
  • Guardian angels when I need help
Finally and most importantly, I thank GOD for giving me my eyes to appreciate the beautiful things in this world, and for giving me my hands/fingers to type/writing!  Without these two tools, I would be very devastated!

Have a fantastic and wonderful Thanksgiving everyone!

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ending The Twisted Tale

I am now no longer carrying his notes with me, and they are once again buried.  The thought of sending this back to him have many times crossed my mind, and I'm still contemplated on this issue.  This man clearly didn't exist! That beautiful soul died prematurely just when it was about to bloom!

When I told my cousin, who had relayed the bad news to me, that he didn't even remember who I was, she was speechless.  To her, our little summer love was such a beautiful thing that no one should have forgotten about it, left alone the main character of a love story! It was disappointing for her to hear "it didn't mean anything!"  Romantic souls like us only exist in romance novels.

I also told her that I've talked to the "priest man" once, and that was it!  I would not call him again.  If something ever happened to him, she would be the person to tell me the bad news!  Thirty three years went by, and were now merely strangers or worst than strangers since we couldn't even talk to each other as naturally as strangers.

I do believe things happened for a reason, and whether I like that reason or know the reason or not, it didn't matter at the end.  What happened, happened!  And I survived it all!

The universe wanted me to know where he lives, and that he has cancer, but I don't know what to do with that information.  I called him, talked to him, and then disappeared out of his life again.  I am not going to try to figure out anymore.  I have lived more than half of my life without him, not knowing anything about him all these years, so the rest of life is going to be fine without him too.  Is that what I am supposed to do?

If it is so, let it be so...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Unique Orchid With a Touch of Blue

To me, this is such an exotic looking orchid flower.  It's totally different from what I've seen so far, but I couldn't find a name for it at the garden.  There were many flowers that missing the name tag, so I give!

It was place a bit further back in the circle and I had to zoom in all the way!  These photos were the best two of the bunch.  Thank God for digital camera! I just snapped as many as I could, and deleted as many as I want without worrying about my finance.

Thanks for being here!

Friday, November 19, 2010

Easy Vegetables Salad

I haven't done any food post for so long, but since this salad came out very well received, and I happened to take some photos; I thought it's about time to do a food post!

  • half yellow, half red, and half green sweet peppers
  • one stalk of celery
  • One Continental cucumber (the long, and thin one)
  • Pinch of salt and black pepper
  • Your choice of salad dressing

  • Thinly slice all the vegetables. (I use my carrot peeler for this)
  • Mix them up in a bowl
  • Add a little pinch of salt and black pepper just before serving
  • Sprinkle salad dressing and serve
Optional Toppings:
  • Cran-raisins
  • Toasted almond slice
  • Cilantro
I'm not a complicated cook, and always try to come up with easy but healthy dishes to feed my family, especially when I could not go to the market.  I tend to find whatever were left in the refrigerator and just go for it.

Feast your eyes on other dishes at Foodie Friday!

Thanks for being here!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

I Is For Idling

A familiar situation has arisen and stirred up a hurtful feeling inside me, which brought anger, disgust, and pain back in my heart.  Keeping with the Raw cord of my blog, I'm just going to spill it out. Maybe by writing it, bring me some solace.

It is not easy for me to deal with family members.  I tend to just shut up, harbor the pain, and never even mention it. I'm not perfect, and I'm sure that I have said or done things that hurtful to others too. To make a long story short, and skip beating around the bushes, I went through bankruptcy last year.  While going through this horrendous nightmare, I handled everything on my own.  Nobody heard a peep out of me, especially my family members.

By the time I had a court day to finalize my case, the appointment was at 8:00 o'clock in the morning, which was also the time that I had to take my son to school.  To make it on time to my appointment, I had to leave my house at around 7:00, and here was the dilemma: no one would be at the house with my son even if I took him off school.  He was only 10 years old, and there was no bus route for us either.

I thought about all the possibilities, but nothing worked out!  All my friends had jobs, and I could only trust a few of them.  A week before my court day, I still couldn't solve this dilemma.  I had called my lawyer to express this problem, he told me the court set the date, and it wouldn't be good for me to change it.

At a dinner gathering in my house one day, I finally told my sister that I've filed for bankruptcy, and then asked my niece if she could come, stay an hour with my son, and drop  him off at the school so I could go to court. I knew seven o'clock was early for her, but it would only happen once. I was desperate enough to ask, which I thought was a small favor, but it was somewhat Mount Everest to my sister.

She came out and bluntly told me: "It 's too early for her to drive all that way!" For your information, my niece lived about 15-20 minutes from me, and she had driven farther than this to spend time with her boyfriend.  I was stunt!  My inside was on fire, and I couldn't find words to say anything else after that.  Really, what do you say when you couldn't count on your own family members to lend a finger?

(Ghosh..It 've gotten too long, so 'til next time...)

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

When All The Pieces Came Together

It took me months to get over the "priest man" even after 30 or so years later!  This was the first time I actually faced the meaning of that long ago relationship, and accepting the faulty of that man whom I thought loved me.

It doesn't mean that I didn't go through frustration and anger! It disgusted me for the person he was, and what he had done for a while.  It was also upsetting me for having no voice back then, and allowed him to call all the shots with nothing to say. I wished for a chance to meet him face to face and handed him back the bag of rubbish that he handed to me.

For a while, my mind didn't accept him as "the man of God"!  How could he be so good to everyone, except me?  How could he love all others and not me?  Learning to reason with many different aspects of life helped me navigating through these sad memories.  However, it was what I needed to do.

I waited for him to call, and I waited for him to email me.  Neither one came!  We talked, and we were done!  Two lives, two separate roads! I must learn to let them all go.  I must learn to forgive him.  I must learn to pray for him.  I must learn to think of him as "the man of God". Maybe all I needed to hear was an apology from him, or an explanation!

I'm now truly at peace without answers, explanations, or apologies with the thought of him.  It's all right!  There are plenty of other people in my life that either had or will hurt my feelings, and I can't hold them accountable forever.  I just have to list him in that ordinary people category.

Knowing that he has cancer doesn't change anything either, because it is his cross to carry and I have no part in sharing that.  Emotional roller coaster is a funny thing; once you reached the peak, you have to come down.  I'm there, finally! As good or as great as he is, he is not worth it anymore for me to think about..

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Friday, November 12, 2010

Round Little Orchids

These beautiful orchids were found at the Conservatory, and they were so pretty to see on such a cloudy day.  Though there were not many other flowers around, orchids remained one of the permanent residents here.

I love looking at flowers, any time of day, anywhere, and they are very pretty to brighten up every one mood, if they only take the time to observe.

Growing in a little clay pot, they thrive in this humid environment! It's always 10 degrees hotter inside the Conservatory than the outside world. I love the colors of these orchids. Registered & Protected

Thursday, November 11, 2010

H is For The Hunger And The Homeless

The letter H brings on so different subjects that I'd like to write about, but after many attempts and many days of contemplating, I decided to write about hunger!  If you've read my Childhood Series, you know that as a child I was sent to bed starving more often than I can count.

I knew first-hand the physical pain hunger brought to the body, and the hollow sound of an empty stomach that had nothing to sustain one's being.  When I was so hungry, my head hurt, I hallucinated and I was dizzy.  Hence, I couldn't fathom the thought of sending my child to bed without food, no matter what he/she did.

Now I live in the richest country of the world, and see homeless people everywhere!  Besides having no home, they are having no foods to eat either.  I saw an array of these people at my church on Wednesday and Friday mornings when they come in from the cold, and have one simple peanut butter sandwich for lunch.

For those two days only, these homeless people were fed and were full temporary!  Where do they go for meals on other days or how do they get foods to nurture their body?  It amazed me that we always seem to reach out and take care of other countries, but the problem of the homeless, and the hunger remain high in our own homeland.

Churches made extra collection of donation and then disburse it to other countries while all around them, closer to home, the suffering continues.  You might think that I have a small mind, but this just doesn't sit right with me.  If I have extra money, I would prefer to give to the homeless old man that I saw slept under the bridge bypass, than try to take care of another country.

My world would be beautiful if all of the hunger and homeless people were taken care of first in this country, before taking on other countries' problem.  I know, all humans are God's children and we have the responsibility to help them, but then there is nothing wrong with taking care of our own people either.

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Reflecting Through The Years

I was happy, very happy after I got to talk to the "priest-man", but it felt like it was more of a dream than real.  I heard his voice.  I actually had a brief conversation with my first love.  Though he said he didn't remember who I was, but when I mentioned that he was only three months older than I am, he quickly jumped to tell me "I know, I know"!

Being an optimistic, I surely took it as he remembered.  He told me he has cancer, a rare type of lung cancer, and that he opts for the pills as treatment, plus following a strict macrobiotic diet.  My slow brain couldn't process quickly what had just happened.  It all seemed so unreal for the most part.

From there I went into digging up the past, and brought out his little notes that he had written to me.  I have kept them for over 30 years, and all the souvenirs he left me.  I read through these notes, felt the love, anger, frustrations, disbelief, and disconnection.  I realized then that he had never really love me, and the person that loved me for that summer didn't even existed.

Yes, I went through every minute of my waking hours talking to him in my head, and yes, the urge of getting in touch with him again was strong.  I needed closure!  I needed to know the why and how and the final reason or explanation from him, but I didn't have the guts to do what I wanted.

I started to carry his notes with me everywhere, and reflecting through all the words that have written on the page.  It amazed me that this very loving and passionate person only surfaced for three months, but whom also knew full well of his calling or wanting to do in life.  The universe had interfered at a very early stage in our relationship and put a stop to it.  I faced that fact, and had to accept it.

Slowly, I learned to let go and learned to forgive him as I was instructed by an invisible force. I went through all my emotions, and found it was best that he wouldn't be hearing anything else from me.  He is settled! He has his own world! He is doing what God has called him to do.  Who am I to compete with that?

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Friday, November 5, 2010

Hot Pink Impatiens Before Bloom

It has been cold, and finding flowers to take pictures become much harder now too.  I got so restless yesterday after meeting all my deadlines, thus I took a 30 minutes drive to a Conservatory near home.

The 30 minutes turned into one hour and a half because I got lost and didn't know my way around.  As I was about to give up, I found the place, and leisurely spent the next hour enjoying the sight with hardly anyone there!

There were barely any flowers beside mums with all the colors, and this gorgeous hot pink impatiens.  The Conservatory is getting ready for Christmas display, and I showed up at a wrong time, but I thoroughly enjoyed my walk through by myself.

Thanks for being here!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

G Is For Grave

I grew up in a culture that believed we have a responsibility to our dead ancestors. Attending to the grave was one of those called-to-action kinds of things, and some time it was made to feel guilty if you don't comply with this written rule.

As I have mentioned in previous post, my dad passed away almost 23 years ago, and he had been laid to rest in a cemetery very close to our home.  As his children, we have a duty to take care of his grave, although there is nothing we can do much.  However, the connection seemed visible and eternal between two worlds.

There are people who also believed in visiting the graves of their loved ones.  I saw them all the time at the cemetery, and they were more of regular visitors than I ever was.  They trimmed the weed around the head stones, planted flowers, watered the flowers, and plucked out the weeds.  I had to say they did it with love, not because they had too.

I found comfort in visiting my dad's grave, even if it was only for a few times a year.  In the summer I took my children to plant flowers at his grave, and visited at least once a week to water the plants.  While doing this activity, my children began to ask about the grandfather they've never met.  This was when my heart feels all fuzzy inside.

Strange as it might sound, but cemetery is very interesting to me.  I like reading what was written on head stones, the birth day, and the day of passing of individuals.  When facing with trouble that seemed so enormous, I visited my dad's grave and talked to him, knowing full well that he was not there in the dirt, but his spirit was.

I used to think that our tradition is old fashion, but these last few years have opened up my eyes, especially when my children developed a habit of wanting to know more about my dad, and learned the ways grandma would do at the grave. I find the term "gone but not forgotten", fits this extremely well.  Do you visit the grave of a loved one?

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Voices In My Head

In early June of this year, I received a phone call from my cousin, whom I was close with and worked with after my High School graduation.  She knew about my relationship with the "priest man" in the past. She told me that my so-called love has cancer, and was very serious.  I blew the news out of my head since really, it was so long ago, and didn't remember when the last time I thought of him was .

Three days later, this news hit me like a ton of bricks, literally! I couldn't function! I couldn't sit still! The urge of "do something" was so strong that I couldn't resist! It was odd, but I felt as if there was a spirit guiding me to make the connection.

Starting out with a simple Google search, I found his assigned parish, and the phone number.  Now you have to know that I'm a timid person, I don't make phone calls unless I absolutely had to. However, the voice in my head pushed me to make the call, though I didn't know what for, or what to say but I called the diocese, left a message, and also sent an email to him!

Then I went on with my day thinking that I either would get an email or hear from him. That was the end of that dilemma. I did my part, now it would be his turn, so I thought! By 3:30 that afternoon, the voice urged again, "Call now! If you don't make the call, you'll never make the call at all!"

He had just walked in when I called. The first few moments were awkward, and he didn't remember me or the summer that he had spent with us until I mentioned it.  We quickly exchanged our lives information in very few sentences.

We talked for about twenty minutes, and as the moment I hung up the phone, I also knew that this was it! We would not be hearing from each other ever again! Whatever I had to do that day was it, and I was done with this business once and for all...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

I write what I feel, how I feel and whatever I like at the moment


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