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Saturday, October 30, 2010

Pink Mums

Fancy Petals of Pink Mum

I made a quick run to my local hardware store for a few needed things, and saw this beautiful pink mum on display right outside the door.  So having a handy point and shoot camera, I took a few pictures.

Mums On Display

I like the jagged edge on these petals, and the color of intense deep pink! It seems as if you can see mums almost at any store nowadays, and all the different colors are amazing to see at this time of the year.

Deeper Color Mum

The weather is really taking a turn for the worst around here.  We had strong wind, no sun, and cold rain, so seeing beautiful flower like this really cheer me up even though I had to rush for the warm inside after a few seconds.

Thanks for being here!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

F is For Faith

I have faith, and you have faith! Faith is the only invisible force that keep us moving forward when everything else around us failed.  Faith doesn't mean you have to be religious. Different people have different ways of translating the meaning of faith.  My faith though, is place in the hands of God.

I was raise up Catholic, traditional Catholic, so that is the only thing I know. I believe in God, but at time it is also shaky!  When I'm hit with too many troubles, I doubt my faith. I have a hard time presenting myself in front of "him". In other words, bringing myself to church! My faith is like a yo yo.

It doesn't mean that I'm not grateful.  In fact, I do! When I see pretty flower, beautiful colors in the sky, or just a rain drop on the plant, I thought of the amazing beauties in this world that God gives me.  Faith is the only thing that is fluctuated. Faith is also what I have left to hold on!

Crazy isn't it? I want to believe without questions and doubts.  I want to place my faith in God's completely and totally.  I want to live in a world that is less troubles, head ache, and miseries. However, that's not the reality. People around me are suffering and homeless rises in great numbers.

I see innocent and good people constantly got deal with bad luck or unfortunate mayhem.  It is hard for me to keep the faith steady.  I find myself praying for mercy all the time.  Often, I sound like a broken record.  If I'm not praying for myself, I pray for others who face enormous challenges.

In the end, faith keeps us sane! Prayer gives us hope! Having something to believe in is better than nothing. Just like we believed in Santa Clause, Easter Bunny, and Tooth Fairy when we were children, but having faith in God isn't like that. So how do you practice your faith without doubts?

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

The Last Straw

There were many things in my life that I didn't understand and starving/craving to understand, especially the way people treated me: my aunt, my brother, my sister, and the first love of my life. I didn't ask for it. I didn't deserve it! But then when was life fair to everyone? It happened only to the lucky and chosen few!

Destiny came knocking on my head when the phone rang way past midnight. Back in those days, there was no answering machine, so the phone would keep on ringing. I was up writing and thought that since my brother slept in the living room, right there by the phone, it would wake him up.

Considerately stupid of me, I went out of my room to answer the phone so it wouldn't disturb him! The call was not for me, but was the voice of a woman asking for him. I talked as soft as I could to tell her that my brother slept already, and it was late. Then as quiet as the mouse, I hung up, and walked down the hall to my room.

My hand had just touched the door knob when I heard the "swoosh" sound of the wind behind me. Instinctively I knew it was an object that flew at me, aiming at the back of my head! I quickly got behind the door, and realized that my brother had yanked out the phone and threw at me. I didn't know what to feel, but I knew what to do right there and then.

I stayed awake for the rest of the night with million thoughts running around in my head. I also wondered what if that phone hit my head and killed me, would he hate me less. I found no answers for any of my questions. I found no reasons or excuses for his behavior! I just had no feelings for him after that.

The next day after taking my nieces to school, I went to my bank and emptied it out. I called the airline and booked a one way ticket home to my parents. While waiting for the day of my departure, I didn't tell anyone, and continued to carry out his demand. I only told my nieces and D. that I was going home on the day of my schedule. It was a week before Christmas, 1981...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Friday, October 22, 2010

Wild Lavender Asters

Collage of Lavender Asters

This week I'm bringing you the wild lavender asters that well, growing like weeds around my town.  They were tiny, but bunching together they were really a show stopper for those that take time to admire them.

Wild Aster In Lavender Color

As with the white asters, these lavender ones had two different colors as their hearts.  Some petals suffered from the chilly weather and curved up, which were very interesting to see. I love these flowers because when all are dying down around them, they bloomed vigorously to cheer me up!

Thanks for being here!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

E is For Extraordinary

After my divorce some 10 moons ago, I found an amazing group of women through my odd and end jobs!  These are extraordinary women, who despite their situation and life troubles, climbed out of horrible despair!

Through their courageous experiences and encouragement, I found the strength needed to go through my turmoils. Every little tip or story that they've shared with me, was a push in my way to get over the heart ache of broken promises and a miserable 22 years marriage.  I've come to admire women much more, and in a deeper sense than I've ever imagine!

These women were more than heroes to me, better than gorgeous and rich celebrities.  These women were real, living a life that closer to mine, and dealing with many scraps that they were handed.  They were single mothers!  They survived an abusive relationship!  They got out with nothing in their name, and started a new life from the absolute zero.

These are extraordinary women!  They are all around you if you ever need to look for inspiration and courage.  Women are much stronger now, and they will survive anything that life throws at them.

Through the first few years of the divorce, I stood strong through the support of these women, who came to get their nails done even when they didn't need a manicure.  They came to make sure that I would make enough money to feed my kids, or just lent an ear to my worries and frustrations.

These were the extraordinary women in my world who once lived in my shoes.  I have a couple of friends now that were at the verge of a break down, and I wanted to be there for them like these extraordinary women that came into my life.  I want to be supportive, be there, encouraging, and inspiring.  I want to be an extraordinary woman who lifts up others!!!

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Blue Heron

I believe this is a heron, and this is one of those times that I wish I have a better camera to zoom in for better pictures. I spotted this blue heron while driving by a little pond. I was on the other side of the road when I see it and after pulling over, yes I did, my camera zoomed all the way in.

It was thrilling to see wild life in the middle of busy city environment, but it was too bad I could see it in more details.

Thanks for being here!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Of Light And Dark

After T.'s disappearance, I had no one else to hang out with at night. During the day, I looked for another full-time job and still held on to my weekend job as a cashier! Life was depressing for the most part, and I still contributed regularly into paying rent, but I wasn't exist under my big sister's eyes. I was more like a ghost to her.

Then to rub more salt into the wound, my seminarian brother decided to be a regular man. He came home and stayed with us. Part of the living room turned into his quarter! His presence took the breath out of my life, since I couldn't do anything right by him, just as I couldn't do anything right with my aunt. My being was like a thousand thorns in his eyes!

I saw the love, and affectionate he gave to D. I heard the caring, and worries he had toward her. However, once glance at me and he cringed like a prune! I never understood that! I never could get why! I was afraid of him as I was afraid of my aunt, and yes I was already 23 years of age.

The apartment that we shared was the one we found! They, my older sister and brother who ignored me, came to take charge of it after us! I became their enemies somehow overnight! Did I do any wrong for being related to them? I didn't choose it! I didn't want to be a handicap person either! Where was my choice? Why did they treat me less than a human?

I watched my brother picking up D. twirling her around, saying that she was too skinny, and worrying about the color of her skin, while he took time to write a menu of foods for me to make every day while I was out of a job! Every morning before he went to work, he had my nieces put the menu on my desk with the note that I must prepared all four to five dishes for dinner, whether he was home or not.

I felt like Cinderella! I took care of my nieces, but their mom didn't see me! I went out to look for a job, and hurriedly got home to prepare the dishes that my brother demanded! Now, if I didn't pay my part of the rent, then I could take this treatment and understood his hatred toward me, but I did for both me and the sister that he so loved...So then why? Why?

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Friday, October 15, 2010

Wild White Asters

Collage of Wild White Asters

This is the best time of the year to see these beautiful white asters.  They grow in abundant everywhere around here, and attracting bees like magnet!  I find them in the grass, along the side of the fence, border of a wooded area, and along the shore line!

Wild Asters

Some hearts of the flowers are all yellow, and some are totally red!  In some area, there are also asters in lavender color too. I love these flowers since they weather the cold and wind very well.  Though little in size, these asters are very beautiful to see. Registered & Protected

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

D is For Dad

Have you ever wished that you know your parents better, and in a deeper sense that just your parents?  I do, and I've always wished that I really knew who my dad was as a man! Being sent away as soon as I could go to school, I didn't get that chance of knowing my dad.

I just knew him as a hard working man who tried the very best of his abilities to raise 11 children, and who had given us a better life than his ever was.  According to bits and pieces that I have heard, my dad had a very sad, abused, and terrible childhood.  His family life was also broken when he was a young child, leaving him to labor to feed his mother, and her offsprings from other relationships!

Well, you see, I had no more chance of knowing my dad, because he passed away almost 23 years ago when I was at the start of developing a bond with him.  The story of his life was very intriguing to me, but I could only gather very little!  My dad didn't want us to know anything about his life whatsoever, and he didn't talk much about it or allowed us to ask questions either!

My childhood memory recalled of fear whenever I had to face him, since he barely showed any loving gestures.  However, I always had this vivid image of my dad kissing us on our foreheads at New Year and Christmas celebrations!  That twice a year act meant so much to us, and helped us realized that he loved us.

I grew up in a culture where affectionate feelings were not to be shown, but told in actions.  Kissing, hugging, and saying "I love you" were signs of weakness, spoiled, and unhealthy!  You should just feel the love from the members of your family without any of these physical attachments. 

My dad passed away too soon before I could get to know him as an adult!  His life remained a mystery to me, but he stood tall, strong, and very manly in my heart.  I did manage however, to tell him that I loved him, and hugged him a few times while we got to know each other the year before he died.

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series Registered & Protected

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Not Meant To Be

T. and I continued to meet in the evening when we had school on the same day. We hung out in either the cafeteria, or the student center! I pushed the thought that my big sister denied my existence out of my mind for one simple reason that I was raised to believe, I didn't deserve to be on this earth. Still, my brain asked "Why?"

Having T. and my childhood friend around made me happy enough to pass through the emotional pain that my loved ones gave me. I got away from my reality world with friends who seemed to love me for who I was. I knew I could be loved. I knew someone could love me. T. found me, and T. loved me without words, promises, or stringing me along.

One night, when we reached the parking lot, and I was about to say good-night to T., he pulled me into his arms and gave me a tight squeeze. I was caught by surprise, and didn't really remember how I felt, but what happened after was something I could never forget!

T. tapped his index finger to his heart, eyes filled with tears, and said, "It hurts so much, so much in here. I might just as well know how it feels to hold you once!" Then he ran off into the parking lot. I sat in my car replaying the entire commotion, and understood what T. tried to convey! I never see him again after that, even when I visited my friend's house.

I missed T. and his beautiful pair of eyes. The eyes that fascinated me, that made me wanting to discover, and that held me so dearly while I was with him. My friend said T. left home and joined the Navy. He didn't want to be married to someone he didn't have any feelings for, and that he had no future staying here either. His aunt wouldn't hear of it.

So we were not meant to be, but T. was an honorable man! He stood up for his right and his belief. He took the hard way out as a man...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Monday, October 11, 2010

Heart Talk-Strange Phenomenon

Another week rolls in, and it's Monday!  I am so behind with everything from real life to blogging life.  Dirty clothes, clean clothes, dirty dishes, clean dishes, back yard, front yard, etc..are waiting for someone to do something to them.

I wake up this morning in a panicky stage, and feel like I'm going to have a heart attack!  Really, I'm not joking.  All of the things that needed to be done rushing in and almost choke me on the spot!

After I couldn't fall back to sleep at 3:00 in the morning, I lay there and somehow was up late. I rushed to take my boy to school, while my heart was thumping fast, and a stupid love song playing over and over in my head.

It was weird how the song got there, because I didn't think or sing or hear it the day and night before. Has it ever happened to you?

I am off now to get those chores done, and hopefully I'll wake up in a peaceful stage tomorrow.  Have a great Monday!

Thanks for being here!

Friday, October 8, 2010

Blanket Flowers

Orange Color Petals

I saw this blanket flower at a local park and just felt in love with these beautiful colors! It was certainly lighting up my world and although the flower was not in perfect shape, its colors made up for it.

Weathered Blanket Flower

This flower is perennial, and relate to sunflowers, daisies, and asters.  The blanket flower are native to central United States and Canada, but you can find it all over every States.  They are drought tolerant, and easy to grow.  Moreover, they are loved by butterflies!

Do you know that blank flowers also also called Indian flowers, and Firewheel flowers?  The flowers can grow up to 4 inches across with their big, long lasting bloom in tri-colors of orange, red, and yellow.

Blanket flowers like full sun, loose soil that drained well, and will grow on their own without much care. Registered & Protected

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

C is For Chest

I had flat-chest! There, I admitted without feeling bad about it!  Growing up as a teenager without having those bumps was not funny at all, especially when I was already 16. I saw boys looking straight at my chest and then walked away shaking their heads. It wasn't like I wanted to have a relationship with them or anything like that.  It was the kind of look that gave the girl confident.

Once, I even heard a boy telling his friends, "Forget it! She has no chest". Well, that didn't do any good to my self-image.  I went through a short time stuffing my bra with whatever available, and found this act as a cover-up!  I didn't like being label flat-chest. I didn't like how the boys were looking at me, but stuffing my bra was not an answer!

Flat chest and big chest shared the same problem pretty much.  One of my closest friends in the orphanage inherited a huge pair of those babies!  She went through torment with the nuns for all kind of unimaginable accusations.  She cried many times.  She mummified her breasts in hoping that they would stop growing.

After she turned 15, her breasts just burst out over night bringing on so much uninvited attention. While she tried to hide her chest, I was nowhere near developed! Watching my friend went through the shame of having big breasts, I felt so bad for her.  I helped wrap her breasts in bondage at night, and worried that she wouldn't be able to breathe.

The nuns believed that she allowed boys to play with her breasts, and that was the reason why they became so big. I knew it wasn't true, because I had never seen my friend with a boy! It was impossible for boys and girls to interact without supervision in the orphanage!

While I was teased with having a flat chest, my friend had to put up with defending her big chest. We lived in a world where nothing out of the ordinary was accepted. Either way we were condemned! Once I realized that, I didn't stuff my bra any more, and just be contented with my flat chest...

Joining Alphabe-Thursday!

(Listed in Mish-Mash Series) Registered & Protected

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Do I Exist?

I met T. at the University after my evening class, even though we had none together! I didn't exactly remember how, but we met and were quite immediately taken by each other. He learned my schedule, waited for me every evening, and walked me to my car!

It was the most innocent relationship in this universe! We only talked on our way to the parking lot, and through this short talk, I found out that he was a cousin to one of my friends at the orphanage. At that moment, the world seemed so small, and I was happy. T. told me that he talked about me to his cousin, my childhood friend, and knew that we had a connection before.

The next day I called my friend, and met up with her after 15 years of separation. She was not my two closest friends that I've mentioned before, but she was a friend that I often talked too. The irony was, she lived at the apartment complex that I had just quit, and with her aunt, along with T. and his brother.

Her aunt had total control over the three of them! Through my friend, I got bits and pieces of T.'s life. He worked two part-time jobs, and went to school at night. The aunt had also promised him in marriage to a girl from his own town. T. didn't like it but took it, and he would be married off next year.

While visiting my friend, her aunt came home, and we were introduced. Again, coincident surfaced! My friend's aunt and my big sister worked at the same school as ESL teachers. She asked several times, "What's your name?" Then assured me that my big sister had never mentioned that she had two little sisters living with her, just one!

She said, "N. never mentioned your name! She said she only have one sister, D." Yes, my heart was in pain, but I laughed it off. I told her it was ok. I told myself it was ok. I didn't exist! I was not important for anyone to remember. My friend's aunt was in shock and repeatedly said, "N. never said that she has a sister with your name..." as she walked away!

I went home, questioning myself, "Do I exist? Do I really exist?"

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Friday, October 1, 2010

Little Ground Lavender Flower

I saw this little ground lavender flower at the flower house, just by accident!  I almost stepped on it since it was as small as the size of a dime.  I had to squat on the ground and came as close as I could to take the picture.
As I tried this way and that way to best capture the beauty of this little flower, a small bee visited.  My point and shoot only had 7.1 Mega Pixels, and it was windy, so it was twice as hard to take a decent picture!
Do you know what this flower is called? I love discovering new thing just as much as learning new one.  Enjoy your weekend...

This post is link to Camera Critters! Registered & Protected

I write what I feel, how I feel and whatever I like at the moment


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