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Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Is For Analyzing Ashamed

Shame is a word that I just came to understand in its entire meaning. There are different ways to feel shame, and to act out the feeling of shame. For years, I don't understand why I was treated badly by the people that are related to me. The question "what's wrong with me, or what did I do" ate away at my being!

Now I know why my aunt couldn't show me love or affection. She was ashamed of who I am! She was ashamed of being related to a handicap child, whom she viewed as a humongous burden for her sister, (my mother)! It made sense since my aunt had lots of compassion and love to give. I was not the lucky one to receive an ounce of it, that's all.


My big sister also was ashamed of me! She never told her friends/colleague that she had two sisters living with her. My name was never mentioned! My entire being was hidden! I didn't even exist as far as my sister's concern. Yet, I was the one that took care of her daughters before and after school. I didn't think I was that invisible.

She was so ashamed of me that she even passed my hardship on as my other sister's when she talked to her friend! She didn't tell them that it was ME that was out all night taking care of a dead car, and finally got a ride home from a co-worker to find them all sound slept. She had no hesitation when she told her friend that it was my other sister that was out all night.


Yes, my own sister was ashamed of me as well. Though there were no physical abuse, being ashamed and trying to hide me were in fact another form of abuse! It made me ashamed of myself! I made me wanting to dig a hole and just dropped in. It made me doubting my own being, and questioned my presence!

I didn't understand why she did the way she did! And it hurt deeper than I could imagine! Back then, I brushed those painful feelings under the rug, and went on with life. Now, I am near the end of my life, I still wondering why?

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20 comments:

  1. Ah Mumsy, I hope you know that WE are all so proud of you and your BIG heart and STRONG spirit! You are a brave woman to share the way you do week after week! And I pray that you are with us for a LONG time to come!

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  2. Perhaps there was a part of her that felt guilty that this burden was carried by you and she was so helpless to take it away. Did she have knowledge of your abuse and keep quiet, did she hear anyone talk badly and not defend you? Maybe it was more than she could bear that she was not big enough to understand and accept you as you are...It is so wrong for us to treat anyone as less than ourselves. I am honored to have met you and admire you greatly. To me you are a heroine.

    Take care & God bless!

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  3. All she needed to do was say a few words. It should have been so difficult. Sorry she didn't say them.

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  4. What a horrible, horrible emotion that nobody should have to be the recipient of. I'm so proud that you have been able to talk about this. Thank you for sharing.

    Teresa

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  5. Really, my heart hurts. Wow, so much emotion, so much to bear. Wow.

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  6. Pretty tough post to read. I'm happy that you now get a chance to get all these feelings out Mumsy. I hope your family was able to explain themselves. Blessings for a peaceful week!

    Anne-Marie

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  7. Maybe she just didn't know how to handle it or what were the right words. Maybe she was afraid if you heard her say you had a disablility you would be upset or being to believe it more. Maybe all she could do was say nothing. Maybe she was just afraid. afraid she would be judged. Maybe she feels ashamed that she is fine and you are not who knows. but to me from what i've read it seem to me this is her problem. she needs to find the answersl. You my dear are a lovely person. that is all is see in your writings a lovely, delightful, deep thinking person. Maybe you should just choose to forgive her for yourself and when she gets it, they you can reconcile the past with the future. Just let it go...it is worth the heavy load you are carrying?

    Love always...

    Carol-the gardener

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  8. Mumsy, I often wonder have you ever expressed your hurt to anyone in the family? I am glad you get to express it here and release these feelings.

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  9. This is really a tough one. Some people just can't deal with things realistically. Did you ever confront her about it? I hope she's better now.

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  10. I like to read your posts...I don't always enjoy them. You are an amazing person. Tonight this one will stay on my mind. Take care.

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  11. It certainly is hard to understand. All I can think of is that she was really insecure about herself and projected fears about her own worth onto you.

    I'm sorry you had to grow up like that, and I hope you've found freely-shared love as an adult.

    =)

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  12. Mumsy, this is heartbreaking. I wish you peace knowing you are perfect exactly as you are. What others think doesn't matter. You are what you believe you are.

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  13. I'm hoping and praying that you can find some peace now and move on to better things. Who knows why people do hurtful things? I don't understand it either, but I do know that I can't change other people's actions, I can only change my reactions to their words and deeds. I can choose to not let them control my happiness...

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  14. It is so good to read your alphabet posts again. It's like therapy, isn't it? At least that is what I am finding. You are such a strong and brave woman with everything you have experienced. I am glad you feel you can unburden yourself here and be surrounded by love and acceptance for who you truly are.

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  15. Such burdens we each carry through life.. yours may be a bit more than most.. feeling not loved or feeling betrayed by those who should be your life's family..
    I wonder how she felt and why she was how she was? I guess we will never know..
    Just know your one brave woman to go through this and come out years later stronger for it! Even though you don't realize it!
    If you can speak of it, as you did in your post, that is half the battle..
    Take very good care of yourself.
    Following from Alphabet Thursday..
    good post
    Sandy

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  16. So much pain to carry around! Thank God you can blog and put those feelings into words. Maybe it lessens the pain to write about it ... I hope so.

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  17. I tagged you in eight questions if you have time to answer great. If not it is totally fine.

    Have a great weekend.

    Carol-the gardener

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  18. I'm thinking about what you wrote here Mumsy. I have always felt when people act like that it is because they hate themselves.

    This is certainly a different way to look at it and I will definitely ponder this.

    Your posts are always so thought-provoking. They make me think, make me want to hug you, and often make me want to tap someone with a baseball bat for all the pain they caused.

    Thanks for linking to Alphabe-Thursday.

    I really treasure you being here.

    A

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  19. This is my first time visiting and this post makes me want to rush over to your side and hug you.

    I don't know you yet but I am sure you are a strong, kind compassionate person because of this and I know it takes immense bravery to put down such things on a blog for the world to see.So extra hugs for just this.

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  20. It is a sad ordeal to have to deal with this pain for so long. It isn't fair, and it certainly wasn't right for a sister to be ashamed of something that you didn't cause...Love that you are able to share this with us. Take care Mumsy...

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