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Wednesday, September 29, 2010

B is For Body

Nobody is aware of the differences in his/her body more than the handicap person himself/herself.  Growing up as an "abnormal" girl under the eyes of society, I was constantly being reminded of this ordeal.  Most often, I didn't feel any different.  I thought I was just another girl.  I couldn't run, skip, or jump, but if I stood still, I was as normal as the next girl.

I had a body with two arms and two legs, except my right leg was about two inches shorter than the left one due to the injection.  I just walked wobbly, but back then a little different was a major reject!  What people defined normal was beyond my comprehension!  I just knew I was a handicap and I accepted it.


My disability limited me from many activities, but I could also do lots of other activities.  No one would acknowledge that or recognize that!  Just because I walked different, I was automatically on the "toss out" list, and labeled as useless.  I had to prove this theory over and over again to myself and to others.

Living with aunt, I wasn't allowed to sit and cry for my meal.  I had to earn my keep.  I had to contribute to my presence, and proved my worth.  In fact, I carried more chores than a normal person ever did in that orphanage.  My leg though damaged, my hands were not!  I might walk slower than others, but I did get to where I supposed to be!


I learned that different people have different body types, sizes, and shapes.  Very few had the perfect Hollywood body mode.  There were also different types and level of disability or handicap.  Some could function like any others with difficulties, but could still live a full life.  Some might need help, and some totally depend on others.

It is encouraging to see the way people change their view on disable individuals, and respect their right as human.  I didn't ask to be different.  It was handed to me and I embrace it as long as I can take.  My body had a little dent, but my mind, my feeling, and everything else is still intact...

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Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Life Went On

I tried for the life of me, to have a loving relationship with the man I was with! I focused only on his good qualities and personalities. However, I was annoyed all the time when he was with me. For three weeks after we kissed, I developed tolerance just to be around him. I was miserable, and he wanted to be loved.

The work place had also become a nightmare when one of my co-workers went through a divorce and had to raise a daughter by herself. She cried and literally paralyzed in carrying out her duties. My manager asked me to take over her paper works, and I thought it was only temporary to help out a colleague!


I understood that my fellow office friend went through a hard time, but no one knew that I also had my problem to deal with. I ended the relationship with the man who I wanted so much to be my future husband. I couldn't go on playing pretend. It wasn't fair for him, and definitely was not fair to myself.

I completely cut off all involvement with him, even though our offices were only a building away. I had double workloads then, and the job became too much. I watched my office friend coming to work just to cry and did nothing, while I carried out her duties for the two months straight. Despite my complaint, the manager didn't do anything either.


I ended up quitting when the third month rolling around! It felt good to stand up for my own rights, and it felt good not having to deal with all the emotional tights to this work place. I walked out, and never looked back.

By now, at home there were also big changes taking place. Our two bedrooms apartment housed my seminarian brother, and our big sister with her two daughters. It was a full-house, but Asian culture was used to it. Our big sister took over the financial part of the apartment, and we all had to chip in to pay for the expenses.

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..)





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Friday, September 24, 2010

Grasshopper On Mint Leaf



Early one morning, I saw this little fellow lied on a mint leaf and soaked in the sun.  He thought that he could escape my eyes, but I got him to stay still for a few pictures.  He was totally unaware of my camera as I've set the shutter to quiet mode.



Sneaking up on this little grasshopper was very fun and exciting since I knew that summer will come to an end soon.  We only get about three to four months of warm weather, and half of those times battled with the rain!



This little grasshopper could sense my presence so he quickly jumped around and gave me a look.  I have to admit that I would be annoyed if someone bothers me during my sun soaked and relaxing time too.  So I bid him farewell until next year!



Enjoy your weekend with loved ones!

This post is link to Camera Critters!

Thanks for being here!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

A Is For Analyzing Ashamed

Shame is a word that I just came to understand in its entire meaning. There are different ways to feel shame, and to act out the feeling of shame. For years, I don't understand why I was treated badly by the people that are related to me. The question "what's wrong with me, or what did I do" ate away at my being!

Now I know why my aunt couldn't show me love or affection. She was ashamed of who I am! She was ashamed of being related to a handicap child, whom she viewed as a humongous burden for her sister, (my mother)! It made sense since my aunt had lots of compassion and love to give. I was not the lucky one to receive an ounce of it, that's all.


My big sister also was ashamed of me! She never told her friends/colleague that she had two sisters living with her. My name was never mentioned! My entire being was hidden! I didn't even exist as far as my sister's concern. Yet, I was the one that took care of her daughters before and after school. I didn't think I was that invisible.

She was so ashamed of me that she even passed my hardship on as my other sister's when she talked to her friend! She didn't tell them that it was ME that was out all night taking care of a dead car, and finally got a ride home from a co-worker to find them all sound slept. She had no hesitation when she told her friend that it was my other sister that was out all night.


Yes, my own sister was ashamed of me as well. Though there were no physical abuse, being ashamed and trying to hide me were in fact another form of abuse! It made me ashamed of myself! I made me wanting to dig a hole and just dropped in. It made me doubting my own being, and questioned my presence!

I didn't understand why she did the way she did! And it hurt deeper than I could imagine! Back then, I brushed those painful feelings under the rug, and went on with life. Now, I am near the end of my life, I still wondering why?

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Mish Mash Series

Welcome to the second round of Alphabe-Thursday! In this series, I tied in mish-mash life experiences with my opinions and RAW emotions. It is liberating to just write out my thoughts.

**********

*** A Is For Analyzing Ashamed

*** B Is For Body

*** C Is For Chest

*** D Is For Dad

*** E Is For Extraordinary

*** F Is For Faith

*** G Is For Grave

*** H Is For The Hunger and The Homeless

*** I Is For Idling

*** Alphabe-Thursday-Thankful

*** J Is For Jab

*** K Is For Karma

*** L Is For Loneliness

*** M Is For Miracles

*** N Is For Nuisance Notion

*** O Is For Optical

*** P Is For Pain

*** Q Is For Quiet

*** R Is For Relationship

*** S Is For Sudden

*** T Is For Time

*** U Is For Unfathomable

*** V Is For Vanity

*** W Is For Woman Warriors

*** X Is For Xenophobia

*** Y Is For Yikes

*** Z Is For Zap

*** Alphabe-Thursday Soup





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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Yours Truly

One of my closest friends told me about her flirting relationship with a man. When she confessed his name, I was just about to fall out of my chair. She said, he came to visit her at work, and they talked everyday on the phone. I didn't say anything, but felt the sharp pain. Yes, he broke up with me to follow his calling, and yes, he still wanted to have another relationship with other women. Nothing was more painful than his last blow!

He was young and indecisive! He needed to test out his options, getting his feet wet, and finding his way. I understood that, but to tell me not to feel anything was impossible to do. He was a disgusting figure in my mind for not being honorable. To get through this pain, I picked up bad habits of smoking and drinking.


I was exhausted during the day with school and jobs. By the time I got home, I mixed Coca Cola with Whiskey and knocked myself out until the next day! Different nights, different drinks! Another day ended, another day began! I didn't have time to go out any where, just work and school, and dealing with my own emotional turmoil. Before me there was another girl in his life, and after me there was my friend in his life! I was not the only girl in his life as he said!

Then faith had it in for us, we were connected again through our jobs. He worked at a Social Services office, and I worked at Rental Complex for Minorities. We often had to phone each other for information on our clients before we could approve their cases. It was all business and it was always brief! It was now three years later after we said our last good-bye!


During this time, I allowed a fellow office colleague to come closer! I tried to find the best traits in this man and concentrated on building a relationship with him. It worked for almost three weeks. We started very slow by just having lunch together, and talked on the phone after work. This new man seemed very sincere and honest with his intention, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to settle down.

Then HE called to say good-bye for good. He would leave for Italy to study for priesthood once and for all. On the day of his scheduled departure, I kissed my office colleague while I heard the airplane overhead...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..)





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Sunday, September 19, 2010

Heart Talk-On Children

I receive an email from a close friend of mine expressing her irritations with the children. Nothing bad, really! It is just that as parents we couldn't count on our children to do the simplest thing that we've asked them to do. However, when they need help, we the parents always bend backward to see that we do it for them!

I can totally relate to my friend's feelings, and as they said, "been there, done that!" There were countless numbers when my requests ignored, or encountered the "bark back" attitude! It was either the timing was wrong, or the inconvenience of the task, or just plain not in the mood for my kids.


I'm not saying that as parent, I depend on my kids for anything! However, it seemed unfair when they can totally count on us for support, but when we need them for a smallest thing, it is a burden.

In the good old days, I was raised that when an adult asking you to do something, you do it! No excuse, no reasoning! It's no longer like that nowadays! Children now have total control and lots of power under their belts. One wrong move and the parent could just sit behind bars!

Joining these blogs:

Follow Me Monday
Mingle Monday
Admirer Monday

Thanks for being here!

Friday, September 17, 2010

Little Beautiful Brown Skipper-Part 2


My little beautiful skipper continued to enjoy the mint flowers, and I've got a couple of good shots in. Having a point and shoot camera, I have to learn to make the most out of it. I couldn't be very far away since my camera can't zoom in that much, so I resorted to sneaking up.


Our weather has turned a bit chilly now! The sun seems to stay for a very short period of time, and leave us mostly in glooming stage of the day! It is the life's circle, I guess!


I like how this little beautiful brown skipper perched on the top of these mint flowers. It looked so elegant and delicate. I hope all of my critters come back next year.


Enjoy your weekend...

This post is link to Camera Critters!



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Testing the Water


I'm going to join a few new parties on Friday as part of my discovery and learning! There are so many great blogs out there that I enjoy meeting. I'm sure these parties will be fun!

Thanks for being here!

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Rainbow Colors-Finale


I'm running late for Thursday Rainbow Colors! Nothing worked out last night with my computer when I tried to set up the post. I finally gave up and went to bed before my blood pressure sky-rocket..


Maybe my computer didn't like the fact that I killed off my character in the last post! I was able to pull these two photos up at 7:00 o'clock this morning.

Anyway, thank you all for reading and commenting through this series. See you in the next around...

Linking this post to Rainbow Colors-Violet at Jenny Matlock!

Thanks for being here!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

So We Parted

My sister and I had jobs at different stores, and both went to the same University! We synchronized our schedules so that we could share ride together. Our brother went back to his seminary, leaving us to live at HIS house for the time being.

We both wanted to move out on our own badly so we saved every penny we made for the deposit. In our spare times, we went to look for apartment with our new found friends at the University. The man I loved became less visible in my busy life, but always existed in my heart. I kept him there as the last beautiful memory of my teen years, and he had no idea the aftermath he had on me.


I treated all men with distrust, especially my college male friends, and just couldn't allow anyone to come close. I was guarded with a thick armor, and concentrated on making money! I wanted to be very busy, so I took on another part time job as a private tutor. The busier I was, the less time I had to drown on the pain of a sorrow love relationship. I didn't tell anybody about him, not even to my new closest friends. He wasn't worth it!

After the second month staying at his house, my sister and I finally moved out, in another city far away from him. We had nothing in our apartment, no beds, no couch, no dishes, no chairs, and no table! However, we were free and happy! We slept on the floor, rolling in blankets, and ate lots of frozen food dishes.


Since having two part-time jobs, and went to school at the same time, I could barely breathe! I saw him on occasions through our students group got together, and retreats, but we were then total strangers to one another. Our families also often celebrated Holidays together, but very few words were exchanged between us besides the common courtesy!

Through these unions, I saw his sad look darted at me when I was with other male friends, and I was weak at the knees, but it was his clear choice to follow his God's calling that kept me back. Life had to go on though! He had his own destiny, and I had mine! The summer of 1977 was left with just a faded memory in my heart and soul...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..)





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Sunday, September 12, 2010

Heart Talk-Comment Courtesy

I'm going to jump onto Debbiedoos' blog wagon, and add my two cents on word verifications in the comment section. My blog is about 9 months old, and I have received numerous spam comments, mostly anonymous.

The comments from this annoying creature were about Viagra, breast augmentations, and enlarge "Peni$$$$". Therefore, I have to moderate my comments, but tick the word verification off. I couldn't stand the thought of having such comments sat on my blog while I'm away.


Many bloggers dislike typing the mumble jumble letters after writing the comments, but I don't mind it as much. I do though, IRRITATED big time when the comments are moderated. It's such a waste of time for me to sit there typing in word verification only to find out it has to be approved. Cut this process out already!!!

Then, there are people who love to leave their LINK in the comment part too, even though I had bold faced the entire "COMMET WITH LINK, WON'T BE PUBLISHED", specifically at the top. These people either don't read that part, or just simply choose to ignore it completely.

I have crossed so many blogs that said "Google considers link in the comment as spammed", but no one cares!


We all know how to LINK! Nothing is exciting about this part! When I see links at the end of the comment, all I could think of is "he/she just learned to link", and it looks so lame, so desperate! You are already signed in to your blog, and one click will take us there. Why insisting "Mine is here, mine is up, visit me here?"

I just did a test this week, and allowed anyone to comment, and sure enough, anonymous lurkers came right back with their comments. So, I have set it to "Register Users" only. I really don't have time to deal with spammed comments..

Thanks for being here!

Friday, September 10, 2010

Little Beautiful Brown Skipper-Part 1


This is a skipper that feeds on the mint flowers among other critters such as butterfly, hornets, wasps, honey bees, and bumble bees in my back yard.


This skipper was so small, and I spent many days trying to take pictures of it. Its eyes were so big, and its saw my every move. Therefore, as soon as I could get a little closer, it flew away.


I finally got one which show the many colors of this skipper on its body! When the wings folded up, you can only see the brown color.


My mint flowers were all gone now since summer is coming fast to an end. They are all brown now, and there are no more critters circling around this part of the yard anymore.

Enjoy your weekend...

This post is link to Camera Critters, and Today Flowers!





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Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Rainbow Colors-Violet

A mysterious letter arrives at Vince's house a month after he last saw Lil. He can sense something endearing about it, but also trembles with the bad news it radiates. The envelope is in violet color, and the only person he knows like this color is Lil.

Vince opens the letter carefully and slowly as if he is in no rush to know what is inside, or to end the joy of receiving Lil's letter. His heart leaps and bounces. His eyes swell with tears waiting on the verge of dropping down on his cheeks. The bad news hit with very few words, and in Lil's hand writing.


"Dear Vince,

If you are reading and holding this letter, please know that I've gone to a better place.

I'll wait for you on the other side, and this time you are mine! No more excuses or reasons...

Love always,

Lil"

Vince drops down on the couch. Her letter is short, straight to the point, and offers no information on which he needs to know. His mind is full of questions. He wants to understand what happened. He wants to know why, and a whole lot more. It is easy to just accept, but Vince can't. He wants answers and he wants to understand.


After a few days of searching through local obituary newspapers, Vince finds out that Lil suffered a brain tumor the size of a pear. She passed away in a private hospice, exactly a month after she came back from the trip. Vince drives to the nearest river, then breaks down and cries like a baby. He also find out where Lil is buried and his heart is tugging.

Vince chooses to act this time, and not to think about anything or anyone. He hops into the car and makes the distance to visit his beloved's grave. Again, he weeps as soon as he sees her grave. He asks "Why, Lil? Why?"

He plants a row of violet flowers, in violet color, at the feet of Lil's grave. Vince wants her to see her favorite flowers whenever she opens her eyes...

Linking this post to Rainbow Colors-Violet at Jenny Matlock!

Thanks for being here!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

As Passerby

He helped me moving into my dorm room at the university, and left without so much of a good-bye. I had to quickly find my way around, and got adjusted when my roommate showed up. Since my brother filled out paper work and asked for a handicap accessible room, I was on the main floor, which was fine for me.

My room, however, was a real "handicapped" room in every senses of the word, especially the bathroom. The bed, the toilette and the sink were raise very high. To use these facilities, I had to climb on a ladder every time, and my roommate had no control of her bodily functions. The noises and the smell coming from her all the time were enough to just kill me. It was like a nightmare and very frustrating to me.


I called my parents to describe my situation in tears. I wanted to come home. I didn't want to be here. My heart broke, and my life wasn't any better. I felt more of a handicap than I already was a handicap. I stayed up most of my first night in the dorm since my room was on the main floor, and there was constant activities went on right outside my door.

The next day, I called him and asked him to help moving me out. He came, not very happy and cranky, moved me back to his house. We exchanged no words! We were like total strangers! It was a tremendous uncomfortable time of all for me. This man, I loved, was colder than the Arctic ice! I wished, for the first time, that I had never met him, or knew him. He represented the cruelest person on the face of this earth.


My brother flew home to fetch my sister, and to bring down a car for both of us to use according to my parents' plan. We ended up staying with his family for the next four weeks while going to school and to work. We needed to have money to rent an apartment of our own.

He also went back to the seminary, and we passed by each other during the weekend. He came home, I went to work, and then stayed out at friends' house until Monday morning. I figured it was better for both of us, and to help me forget him. I joined the Vietnamese students group. I joined the choir at church, and I started to make friends left and right.

My life was full of so many different activities, and with responsibilities. Getting over him was easy, so I thought...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..)





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Friday, September 3, 2010

On Wisdom


I know what I have given you. I do not know what you have received!
~ Antonio Porchia~




Knowing others is intelligence; knowing yourself is true wisdom. Mastering others is strength; mastering yourself is true power.
~Unknown Author~


Wisdom ceases to be wisdom when it becomes too proud to weep, too grave to laugh, and too selfish to seek other than itself.
~Kahlil Gibran~


Wisdom is knowing what to do next, skill is knowing how to do it, and virtue is doing it.
~David Starr Jordan~

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