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Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Sharp Tongue

Looking back at the journey that I went through with him, I had to admit that I was very stupid and trusting. Even though after the awkward kiss of despair, I knew for sure that our love wasn't the same, and his feelings for me were dead, I still lingered!

This man wasn't honest and honorable as I thought. I believed in his beautiful love notes and promises, but they were just empty and deceiving. It would have been dignifying for him to tell me the truth, or giving me some sorts of explanations, but he went on hanging me out to dry!

I was like a sad ghost floating about not knowing which way to go, or how to handle the situation. I lived in his house as quietly as possible, avoiding any run-in with his irritable mother! I had a feeling that she knew about our involvement since her look for me radiated hatred.

While my seminarian brother was away, he took me to my orientation, and to take my Math placement test. He held my hand, place a gentle kiss on my cheek, and said softly, "Don't go with anyone, I'll wait right here.." Then he waited outside by the door the whole day. I was touched to tears at what he said and gesture. It gave me the impression that he still loved me and cared for me.

We went on for the next few days playing pretend, but it was awful since I didn't know when he would drop the bomb to end our relationship again. On Thursday, before my brother came back, he kissed me one more time, and with a sharp tongue he declared: "Now, I can't love anyone anymore!" I anticipated for that bad news, and it came without startling me.

Just like that, he wiped out our entire connection and feelings! Nothing meant much to him. Love came and died. He was freely calling the shots without much of an apology or explanation, and I was along for the ride...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Heart Talk-Reflecting Thoughts

When starting this blog, my main purpose is to stay true and raw to real life experiences, but I'm beginning to see a slight shift in my focus. I worry about the traffic to my website! I worry about not having enough readers! I worry about my subscribers!

In general, people like to look at beautiful pictures, read a short happy post, and be done! Real life dramas, and sad stories seem to get very few visitors. Therefore, I have to take my thoughts back to when I first started this blog, and that accepting the blank canvas. No comments, no visitors, and no followers/subscribers to worry about!

In order to stay focus, I wrote last week post spilling out my real life dramas! It was liberating to feel free to express. Although my traffic plummets terribly, I'm not going to worry about it! Whatever! Five or so faithful and loyal friends are much better than hundreds of followers who do not read or visit.

So for those that care enough to send prayers, here is an update on my house problem: I am about to sign a new mortgage in a few days. The vice president of the bank took over my case and worked out a new deal with me. I am able to keep my house for the next seven years while my little one is still in my care.

Thank you all for your words of comfort and prayers! As for my daughter's problem, she is now protected by the restrained order, and that idiot stalker went back to his home State in Tennessee. If she could see him, it means that he is too close, she can call the police, and this time he will be thrown in jail without question asked!

I am grateful for these blessings even though they shouldn't have arisen in the first place. I wish just for once my life turns around and away from all the bad lucks...

Thanks for being here!

Friday, August 27, 2010

White Butterfly On Mint Flowers

I have always disliked the way these mints taking over my garden in the past, but this year I love them! I removed most of the root in my garden area, and forced them to aside of the house.

For some reasons, this year the mint brought many critters to the garden, and it is no longer a nuisance. I enjoy visit this overgrown mint area and look forward for different critter every day. This moth or butterfly is a great example in the above picture.

This picture above was on the blurry side, so I play in photoshop by adding different textures to create this fabric-like effect. I think it turns out great!

No matter what is going on in my life, a walk around the garden seems to bring peace to my chattering mind, and gives me a sense of peace. It also tends to clarify my cluttering thoughts.

Have a fabulous weekend..

This post is link to Camera Critters, and Today Flowers! Registered & Protected

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Rainbow Colors-Blue

The weekend has winding down for both Lil and Vince. It is almost time to pack up and say their good bye. Lil will get in her car and drives home on her separate way. Vince will also do the same. Neither one of them is ready to bid adieu, but life doesn't wait for no one!

They meet at the diner near their hotel for lunch, and each carries a heavy heart. The weight shows on their happy friendly smiles. It is one thing to find love, give love, receive love and experiment love, but it is totally another thing to realize that their love could never be a reality.

They only have two days a year to confirm their love for one another, and to acknowledge that they still can live fulfilling their obligations with others. It is a choice, a hard choice, but still a choice in honor of love.

The food sits in front of their eyes, and the glasses of water stay full to the brim. Saying good bye is the hardest part of their union, and they often spend the afternoon in silence.

"Until next time, Lil..." Vince sends the text message

"Maybe then, Vince.." Lil replies

"Definitely, not maybe!" Vince assures

Lil cracks a little smile on her sad face, and thinks of the long drive home. This is it, once on the road their communication line will be cut off. Lil just wants to be happy for her love to see before she gets into the car. There is so much she wants to say to Vince, but there is also nothing to say either.

Lil takes a deep breath, stare at Vince for a few moment, stands up, turns her back, and walks out of the little restaurant...

Linking this post to Rainbow Blue at Jenny Matlock!

Thanks for being here!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Poisonous Kisses

He came home, stood in front of me in flesh and blood, a man whom I had hold dearly with my pure love from the heart of a woman, but also now with a bleeding pain. We looked at each other not knowing what to say! Was there anything to say? Were there enough words to say after the eruption of love?

He didn't even remember it was my birthday; therefore, I spent my birthday alone in his room, with occasional tears! He was busy with his family filling them in about his experiences in New York. He was destined to be a priest! He was chosen from the above! I understood that! I accepted that! I didn't ask him once if it was something he wanted to do for the rest of his life. It was understood!

Somehow, somewhere in my subconscious, I knew that our relationship would never work out, and it was meant to be. Why me? Why did I have to get the short end of the stick? Why did I think that a short love like ours having any future? He continued with his road in the seminary, and that was a clear choice. I was too naive, too trusting, too hopeful, and busy dreaming of the impossible when he knew exactly what he wanted in life.

By Monday, we were left in his house alone while everyone else was at work. Nothing was discussed. I asked no questions! He offered no explanation! The stupid woman in me just accepted everything in silence. I had no back bones to ask for answers, any kind of answer!

I didn't remember how we both acted or what were said, but we both fell into a long awkward kiss a year after we parted. It was the kiss of poison! It was the kiss of death. It was the kiss to seal our destiny and our faith.

Tears quietly streamed out of my eyes as he held my face in his hands. I couldn't see his face, what he looked like, or his expressions, but we both felt it: a defined ending had come. A decision had reached! He said gently, "I don't want to make you sad anymore!" And all I wanted to do was to scream "I don't care" but nothing could come out of my throat.

I accepted...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Monday, August 23, 2010

Heart Talk-When Problems Arise

This month has been a bad month, a very bad month for me indeed! So many unwelcome problems came and hung over my head. They left me twirling like a tornado, but didn't know when it would hit the ground.

First, it was the house problem! I had been working with this lady at the bank on the maturity of my mortgage since June. She dragged on for two months, with no progress, or solution on how to go about my re-mortgage, and then a week ago I was notified that my house is in the foreclosure stage.

Panicking, I called her to find that she was on vacation! How convenient, I thought! Well, my life and my being might not be for her to concern with, but it matters to me. After all, I have other lives to think about.

To make a long story short, I had to spend this last week going from office to office, sitting and waiting, and not to mention my worries or my turmoil thoughts. My house, as is with many houses in the country at the moment, is not worth the amount that I owe the bank. In fact, I would be lucky just to get half of what its value right now.

Second, out of nowhere my daughter was stalked at the college. She managed to mace him twice when he tried to break down her dorm's door, and called the police. He got kicked off campus, but that was all the college did.

She came home for a month to work at a State Park during the summer, and this weird fellow found her, and began his stalking again. He finally grabbed her at a gas station where she again called 911. The local police threw his sorry "behind" in jail, but had to release him after 24 hours.

My daughter all shook up and stayed in the house for two days. We had to file for a restrain order to get some kind of protection for her. It is in effect...

So there you have it! Life is a constant pain, even when you try your best! As for my house, I am still in limbo..

Thanks for being here!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Bringing Home the Pollen

As I have mentioned, there are many different types of bees around my overgrown mint area. On occasion, there are even butterflies and moths. I believe this one is a honey bee since I can see gold color through its body when the sun hit it just right.

I like all those little dots of pollen on its upper body, and I wonder if it even knows about those. It is truly a busy bee, and very focusing on its job. It flies from one branch to the next constantly.

Most of these little flowers are brown and dried now since the weather is cooler. The critters are very much done with their buzzing also in this area.

I'm still working on my house issues, lots of paper work, lots of time waiting at one office to the next, and lots of mumble jumble to deal with. I will visit you all soon, and thanks for your patience.

Have a wonderful weekend..

This post is linking to Camera Critters!

Thanks for being here!

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Rainbow Colors-Green

The day quickly comes to an end even though Lil and Vince want drastically to drag it out. By the stream, they sit and talk. There is no mention of reality, no bashing of partners, no complaining of kids, and no questions of the future or the past. It is mutually understood by both. They are just there for one another, and live their secret life.

Is this considered a sin? Maybe so, but what God would punish a love so pure? People commit sins on a regular basis. Old men sleep with girls as young as their own grandchildren. Should that be a sin? A moral sin, at least? Why is there a certain thing accepted heartily by society, and why is there a certain thing that condemned?

Lil just wants the day to be longer, and the weekend has no ending! She stares at Vince, and studies all the changes on him. His hair is almost completely white! The wrinkles on the sides of his eyes are deeper, and two lines are formed around his mouth. However, his lips look luscious and kissable. Oh, how she wishes to just kiss him again, and how she longs for his arms to embrace her body.

Vince stares right back at Lil. He seems to read her thought, and he says sweetly, "It's okay! Next life we will be together!"

"How do we know there will be one?" Lil asks

"You are still beautiful even with gray hair." Vince smiles

"But I'm green with envies in this life!" Lil mutters...

Linking this post to Rainbow Green at Jenny Matlock!

Thanks for being here!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Twisted Faith

As I got more into writing short stories and poetry, I found the pain in my soul slowly easing away. I lived in my own fantasy world, built up my reputation as a great writer, and receive a numbers of invitations to write for special edition magazines. It was an honor which shaped and sharpened my self-image.

For the first time in my life, I started to like myself a bit, and valued my own self-worth. It was a feeling of self-acceptance also, and knowing that I was the way God made me. Nothing I could do to change that! However, deep down inside I wanted so badly to believe that he did really love me, ONCE, even though those feelings were betrayed afterward.

My life seemed to weave many crooked journeys, and faith had a hard hand on me. In the summer of 1978, my parents decided to send me to his home town so I could go to college and avoid the harsh winter. There, I would have my seminarian brother to check in on me once I've moved into the dorm. Everything was arranged, school procedures went through, and my moving date was set.

We made the long road trip down to the South, except this time my heart was numbed. There was no joy, or excitement, or anxiety to see him. He had become a "no one" to me. He was an alien thought in my head. I did, however, bring along my "memory box" with me. I wanted to hold on to that goodness and honesty about him in the summer of 1977.

My thought was on "Again, I was being sent away for my own good"!

As I mentioned earlier, the Asian's culture was weird, and our families were now connected. So I had to stay with his family until it was time for me to move into my dorm room, which was seven days away. They assigned me to his room since he was not home for another week. It was the cruelest arrangement in the history of human kind, and the arrow shot straight to my heart without aiming.

Despite my plead to stay on the floor in the living room, his mother insisted on me using the room! I was now, slept on my lover's bed, and absorbed in my vein his being once again without so much of a choice. This twisted destiny brought all the memories back, and I ached for him as though it was just yesterday.

After my family left for home, I spent time in his room alone missing them, and that was when I saw a stack of love letters laying around. They came from Vietnam, and from a young lady. Yes, I read a few of them! She loved him! She missed him! They were childhood friends and neighbors.

My heart got stabbed, and I didn't know what to think or feel. It cut through my skin like a sharp knife. The pain was excruciating, but no tears could shed .

One the day I turned 20, he came back from his New York trip...exactly a year later!

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Monday, August 16, 2010

Heart Talk-On Comtemplation

Note-I'm taking a little break to work on some issues with the house, and I have scheduled some posts for the week. I'll return your visit and comment as soon as I can...In the meantime, have a great week!!!

Thanks for being here!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Wasp On Mint Flowers

As the mint grows and flowering, I found so many different kinds of critters around this patch. It seemed that even flies love these mint flowers. In the above picture, this wasp was going for the nectar in the tiny flowers.

I was inches away from this wasp. They were flying all around me! There were honey bees, bumble bees, hornets, wasps, flies, moths, and butterflies. I felt as if I was at a concert in the park with all the buzzing sounds going on.

This picture didn't turn out as good as I thought, but it was interesting for me to see that little black line that connected the big bottom to the head part of this wasp!

This is a close up shot of the mint flowers! Is it beautiful?

This post is linking to Camera Critters! Registered & Protected

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Rainbow Colors-Yellow

Vince takes Lil to the local zoo, and finds a shady spot by the stream where they can be alone to enjoy a picnic. His intention is not to visit the animals that reside at the zoo, but to have a nice quiet place out in nature with the woman he loves.

Their feelings for each other have withstood the test of time, and they are now having their own responsibilities with other people in their separate life. Too much pain for too many lives is at a stake if Vince and Lil go forward with their desire. So they just love, and spend a couple of days out of a year for one another. It's the pumping force of blood that sustains their souls.

They are both happy and accepting the limited connection. For Lil, Vince is the perfect man of her dream. He pays attention to details. He knows exactly what she likes and dislikes. He is considerate to everyone around him, and not just Lil. Vince is a gentleman from the old-school, but with a touch of modern changes.

Lil appreciates Vince more when the thought of living with another man for over two decades, and he has no idea who she is or what she likes. Lil feels alive and valuable for the short time she has with Vince.

After the picnic, Vince picks a bunch of dandelion flowers and presents to Lil. In a gentle voice, he says, "Like dandelions, our relationship is rare and special! Remember us this way!"

Lil accepts the dandelions with sparkling eyes. She feels a lump in her throat and softly replies, "They are beautiful when you look at them closely."

Vince runs his hand down her hair and smiles..

Linking this post to Rainbow Yellow at Jenny Matlock!

Thanks for being here!

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Love Stink

The trip home was a mixed of despair and sadness. I was dumb-founded! What happened to the man who wanted to take me and ran away? What happened to "I'll never ever forget you"? Did all those feelings die in four months? His note was like a smack in my face! A good one! And I took it without flinching!

Growing up with my aunt all through my childhood had given me no voice. I was gladly be a shadow, and just took whatever happened without questions. I accepted everything with a mental endorsement that I deserved it, all of them! Therefore, his note was just another bad rejection of life and I accepted with an emotional torment of my own doing.

I got physically ill for the second time, and this time it took a whole month. The doctor couldn't find anything wrong with me, and I began to loose weight to the point of no mercy. I was so weak that I couldn't stand on my own two feet. I flunked the second semester at the college, and ended up having to drop out.

Combining my childhood and my teen years, it was at this time that I realized I had no identity. I struggled to understand life, my life! I felt no love growing up, and this man came wrapping around me with love, promises, and hopes. I took him to heart, and from there he also ripped my heart to pieces.

Again, life went on! I began to write short stories, and poems! I sent them to all the Vietnamese (my natural language) magazines around the country, and became known as one of the most promising young writers in the writing community. I didn't make any money but being recognized as a talented writer giving me a sense of confident, self-worth, appreciated, and building an image of me.

I avoided writing about him or expressed any feelings for this man in my writing. I killed him off as fast as he had killed me. My thought was that he didn't deserve my attention, not even a little bit, and it wasn't real love. He was just a liar, and was a bad person!

Moreover, I took our little notebooks, put them in a box, and filed it away in the basement. I refused to look at them after Christmas 1977...

I'm literally taking these memes Pour Your Heart Out, and Walk Down Memory Lane to the max!

(Read this series at Heart Of a Woman..) Registered & Protected

Monday, August 9, 2010

Heart-Talk Monday-Emotional Blockage!

I'm hitting a road block, not because I don't have anything to write about. It's more on the side of the emotional blockage! Certain people and certain things work their ways into my mind, and I'm drained thinking about it.

Life is busy enough, hard enough, and positive self-talk can only go so far. I give in to this defeat, allow it to manifest, exam my behaviors, and find solutions for my situation. What I don't understand is the fault accusations that "certain people" pinned on me. Hell, I don't care anymore! Say what pleases you and makes you feel good about yourself! Whatever makes you more angelic and saint!

I'm working through this emotional blockage, and anger at the moment. Even though I shouldn't care about what other people said, but I'm only human, and as human I feel the hurtful emotions.

My face breaks out with pimples, and I am not enthusiastic about writing...

Thanks for being here!

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Bee On Mint Flowers

My mint is growing like weed in my yard at the moment, and they begin to flowers also. The bees love these flowers. They are buzzing around these flowers all the time.

I only take a few shots of the bee, and I have to stay out of their way. You'll never know when the bee turns around and stings you by accident. It happens to me before, but I'm not allergic.

Bees are fascinating to watch. The way they dive into the flowers, look for nectar, and work so intensely at the flowers always very enlightening to see. Taking their pictures, though, is not that easy!

This post is linking to Camera Critters! Registered & Protected

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Rainbow Colors-Orange

Lil carefully unpacks her small suitcase that lies on the hotel bed. She picks out a new orange tank top, with beautiful decorated beads around the neckline. The thought of seeing Vince makes her stomach fluttered. She wants to get all pretty for him, even if it is just for one look.

She applies a thin layer of make-up on her face, tosses her hair in the curlers for a few moments, and put on her tank top. She stares at the woman in the mirror and thought, "I still have it." This is a woman that Lil has forgotten a long time ago. She only plays dressed up when meeting up with Vince.

Lil shows up at the same restaurant that she has met Vince before. While she opens the door and steps in, her phone vibrates. She quickly glances at the text on her cell, "Or-ange you pretty?"

Lil smiles. It's Vince special pick-up line! It may sound corny but Lil loves it. He only uses this line with her and that makes it special enough for Lil to like.

She looks for him at the counter, takes a deep breath, and eases gently right next to Vince. They are happy. Their faces light up, their smiles got wider, and their eyes sparkle. Their love shows and it spreads all over the little restaurant.

"Ready for a picnic?" Vince asks

"Now or never!" Lil says

Vince picks up the bag of sandwiches that he has ordered, and shoulder to shoulder they both walk toward the door. The owner remarks as they pass, "Or-ange they lovely together?"

Lil and Vince both laugh, thinking that even the restaurant owner knows their secret language...

Linking this post to Rainbow Orange at Jenny Matlock!

Thanks for being here!

I write what I feel, how I feel and whatever I like at the moment


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