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Thursday, May 20, 2010

R is For Resentments

Resentment is something I knew well and on a personal level. Even as a young age, especially after I was sent to live with my aunt, I held a grudge against the world as a whole. Yes, I often asked "why me", but found no solutions to why I was the chosen one, I tried to make the best of my situation.

My mom gave birth to a healthy, and normal baby me, but due to the doctor's negligence, I became disable! I resented him for that! I blamed him for contributing in making my life hell when I was down and beaten in spirit.


I resented my aunt for her nonsense blaming, and beating! Every little thing I did or said, turned her into a mad woman. I was frighten even with her shadow or hearing her voice. At times, it felt like I was tipped toeing on a tight rope. I couldn't do anything right. I couldn't find any words to say that would make her happy.

I resented my destiny, and the people who said "you make your own destiny!" It's easier said than done!


I resented my parents for putting me in the care of my aunt. When it was weekend, my dad came to bring me home for a visit, but I refused to go home just for two days. He sent my uncle to come and to get me, and again I refused just so he knew how I felt. I begged him to let me come home, but he didn't think the "real world" was ready for me.

I didn't tell my dad much about what my aunt had done, and hid all the beating marks on my body! I was afraid that he would think of me as a bad child and blew my chance of ever going home again.

I resented many things and many people, including my own life!

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30 comments:

  1. how bold and raw that was! I am going to have to come back and read more of your childhood series. At first glance it apears that through all the resentment you have actually grown into a pretty amazing person.

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  2. What a horrible experience! You deserved so much better.

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  3. I hope with time and experience that some of your resentments fade, M! You deserve to be happy!

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  4. Mumsy, what could one say....only that I can't imagine...and we do not know why these things happen. You are a very deep soul now, that is touching our lives with your stories. I think of them often, and wish I could meet you someday....if anything just to give you hug...sometimes we do not need words...just love.

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  5. the child has every right to resent those who were suppose to care for her. Debbie summed it up very nicely...hugs and love to you my friend.

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  6. Pretty RAW writing here Mumsy...proves we all have a story. Now I'll take time to read yours and hope someday you can get past the resentment and realize what courage you have to make it through. Great R post...

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  7. Mumsy, you did have a right to resent that treatment. I am glad that you are making a better life for yourself than what you experienced. Joni

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  8. It is not easy to let go of the past, but perhaps this is a way of you letting it go, expressing it on your post. You should write a book. It would be a best seller. take care.

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  9. i don't blame you for your resentment, it was well deserved. esp for a child with no control over their destiny!

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  10. What a terrible experience. You must have felt Rotten when you were a child.

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  11. Your words gripped my heart and I'm so sorry you lived that horrible childhood. Obviously you have moved on but the memories are still raw.

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  12. I would be amazed if you hadn't harbored resentment toward others. The childhood you had was pure torture, and no one should have to deal with such abuse. But from reading your comments and other posts, I can tell that you came out of the situation remarkably whole. And I think it's so courageous of you to share these stories with us! Kathy

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  13. Oh Mumsy sweetheart ...

    HUGS! Lots and lots of hugs!

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  14. Somewhere through all this, you survived. Who wouldn't be resentful. I think by getting your story out that may be helpful to you and others. I admire your strength so much to go through what you did and come out the other end.

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  15. how horrible to have developed such resentment at such an early age ... I hope with time your resentment fades

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  16. Stories like these made me ashamed of myself for whining about small things and thinking that life is unfair. I am lucky to have an almost perfect family and yet I am not grateful enough for that blessing. Thanks for opening my eyes. God bless you.

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  17. I can only sigh, Mumsy.....sigh....

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  18. You have endured much. From reading your posts, I can feel you're coming to much contentment. It's ok to ask why me, as I have decided myself not to try to be the hero. You have not explained how you are disable or have you and I missed it? I feel your emotion, but can't imagine what type of disability, perhaps that piece will bring me to my knees if I knew? Take care Mumsy. You're very brave.

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  19. Mumsy - I am so sorry for what you have been through. Destiny is something we can only partly affect. Some things are just horribly fated.

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  20. Thank you all for your support and coming to visit my post. I appreciate everyone very much.

    SelfSagacity,

    You will find a bit of detail in this post: http://www.rawthoughtsandfeelings.com/2010/02/d-is-for-devotion.html

    Thanks again, everyone!

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  21. It is hard to understand the whys. And some times we blame ourselves wrongly and blame others rightly, but neither helps our heart. I am ashamed at how I can easily resent or think my rights have been violated when I have had such a relatively easy life. I have no such excuse as you have. Again matters of the heart. I don't have the answers to the why questions, but I do see in your writing that you have redeemed the days the locust have eaten.

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  22. I can certainly understand your feelings and hate that you had to go through all of that pain both physical and emotional.

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  23. Resentment is so powerful. And it turns you against your own self, even though you feel it is directed at others. It is a good day when you can climb to the top and see beyond it.

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  24. Mumsy,
    your post is always so real, so raw. I truly appreciate your sharing these remembrances with us.

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  25. cheer up,
    you are cool and Deserve The Best!

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  26. who wouldnt have resentment? especially a child...yet you grew up and forgave everyone...amazing

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  27. Mumsy, how brave of you to bare your soul. I hope you are finding healing and forgiveness. Forgiving is one of the most difficult things to do, but the most powerful. When I read about Joseph being sold into bondage by his brothers and harboring no resentment I am amazed at God's planning in the whole story. I am sure God has plans for you also, and they will unfold into something truly amazing and beautiful, like you.

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  28. Resentment and anger are both extremely painful feelings to deal with at any age, but I think even more so for a child. I can't imagine the pain you've lived with all these years.

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  29. Dear Mumsy, Your post today is so relevant to your journey and your survival.

    Letting go of all this must have been hard. I sense in your writing that you have let it go...but perhaps I am wrong.

    Do you know this quote?

    “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

    Someone told me this years ago and it really stuck in my head.

    It is so hard to forgive a situation or a person sometimes...I often tell my children that you can forgive something and still remember so you protect yourself for the future.

    Your story always makes me long to give you a hug, cover you up with a lovely quilt and bring tea to you.

    Just to give you some peace, Mumsy.

    Thank for making Alphabe-Thursday the complex and fascinating weekly meme that it is.

    A+

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  30. I was immersed in your life in just a short story of resentment. I wanted to read on and I plan to do just that.

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