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Thursday, April 15, 2010

M is For Malicious

I remember what I did to that poor baby boy, but in my defense, I was only 10 years old with a huge responsibility of taking care of an infant, a sick and needy infant in this case. Here is my confession, for the first time in decades: I pinched the baby to make him cry louder! The louder the better because that was when my aunt would come to the rescue for both of us.

I made sure to pinch him where there was no open flesh or near the wounded areas. He was not an easy baby to care for because of his condition, and he didn't like me. We both had no choice in the matter. Often, he demanded to be held or constant movement to stop his whining. I either had to walk the floor with him in my arms, or gently rocking the crib. If I stopped, he would begin his moaning again.


By accident while picking him up one night, I touched his open wound from the ant bite, and he screamed on top of his little lung. He screeched so loud that commanded my aunt running in a few split seconds toward us. She was in slumber land at the opposite end of the building but she heard him. Watching her flying by to my side gave me an idea, and that was to make this kid cried in vein.

The malicious action began! I was not proud of what I did, and kept that secret to myself for a very long time. I made sure also that my pinch never left a mark on his body, and I didn't do that often for fear my aunt would find out. I only did it when I was too exhausted or too sleepy to stay up. She loved him, so she should be the one that took care of him, I reasoned!


It was a terrible thing for a child to do, but when it came to push and shove, survival instinct took over. My aunt only rescued the baby boy when he wailed, and she usually took him to her bed after that, which meant for me longer hours of sleep, and freed from my chores until the morning. So by pinching him or hurting him, I saved myself!

This episode went on for almost a year between the three of us! My malicious secret was eaten at me. I hated having to hurt him for my own gain, but it was the only solution available to me at the time. After Mother of the Convent found out that my aunt kept the baby in her bed, the boy was sent to another orphanage since my aunt became too attached to him.

It was a very sad day for my aunt, and she took to illness for over three weeks. She mourned for him like a biological mother who had lost her child. But for me, it was a relief on both soul and body. I was happy to see that little baby boy gone. I was malicious glad to see my aunt suffered. For a 10 year old, it felt like I had an evil mind but I didn't feel bad about it either...

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22 comments:

  1. you were but a child yourself Mumsy!

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  2. It was very sad that you had to do this to get some peace for yourself. But remember you were only a child yourself.

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  3. Ya know what you where a child, should have never been in that position to take care of a baby....a pinch is a pinch, siblings do it all the time to each other, not to say it was right, but you where doing what you needed to be done to help yourself in the process!What a horrible burden to carry on yourself...I hope you don't feel guilty anymore.

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  4. what a horrible childhood you had, i hope you have a great life now :D

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  5. Good grief, Mumsy, you shouldn't have been put into a situation where you, as a child, had to care for a sick baby all night, where you couldn't get the sleep that you needed. You were trying to look out for both of you, really. No need to berate yourself or feel guilty. The baby ended up where he needed to be and you did what was best for all of you!

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  6. Mumsy, had you seriously hurt him, it may have been malicious, but there has to be a instinct for survival, and thankfully, gratefully, there was one in place! It was her stubborn fault. You were but a child, and where was your childhood, or his? They were right to take him from your aunt, and perhaps that is why she left him on you - she knew that would happen. Why couldn't she have given you an ounce of the love she poured out for a perfect stranger? How could you not resent him?

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  7. You had a lot of responsibility for such a young child! Bless your heart!

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  8. Sometimes when we are small we do things that we are not proud of, but that is in the past and I think you have carried this burden too long. Frogive yourself.

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  9. Dear Mumsy, oh what burdens you have carried from such a young age. If you are like me, admitting the things that I have felt ashamed or sorry for starts the process of healing. Mainly because this is where I find forgiveness and acceptance for myself. This is a good reminder for me. I think you knew as a young child what we all are forced to face and try to hide as an adult - that when we are hurting,our natural response is to want to hurt back. You are an amazing woman. Thank you for your honesty.

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  10. You were a child, Mumsy. I wish you could believe that if you sincerely ask for forgiveness from God, you will receive it and not have to feel weighted down by these particular memories.

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  11. You were a child. A child trying to survive. The damage you inflicted to the baby was so minimal...the damage you inflicted to your heart from hurting another living being is so sad.

    You know that saying "I did the best at the time with what I knew at the moment?"

    Please remember that.

    And be kind to yourself.

    Hugs.

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  12. Thank you Mumsy for stopping over my crazy spray paint post:) I swear these things keep me sane....:) Have a great weekend!

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  13. Mumsy, sorry it has taken me so long to visit. I can only repeat what your other friends have said, you were a child yourself and your Aunt had no business placing the burden of that babies care on you. I hope you have come to peace with this. Hugs, Kat

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  14. Survival is a powerful instinct. Pinching the baby was your path to sanity and to the childhood you deserved.

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  15. Aw Mumsy!
    Time to forgive yourself for that dear girl. Aunt was asking too much since you were just a child yourself.

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  16. I had a happy childhood ... sometimes reading your posts are very difficult for me ... i hurt for the child that was you ... this post not so much ...i am glad you used what little resources you had at the time to ensure your own survival ... i hope that isn't wrong to say but it is what i feel.

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  17. This is heartbreaking, but I agree; you were only trying to survive. I'm glad you did.

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  18. Oh, our Mumsy. Pray tell you have forgiven yourself like God forgives. Survival instinct is very strong and as a helpless child you did what you had to do to survive yourself. For such a young age, so wise!

    I hunt for your post each week and say a pray of relief and healing for you.

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  19. You were only a little girl. You needed your own sleep, so you could grow up strong and healthy. The baby needed the love and nurture that your aunt could give him. I think, instinctively, you knew that. Your pinches never harmed him. Indirectly, they brought him the nurture he needed.

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  20. I just wanted to recognise what everyone has already said. You were a child and when the baby cried your Aunt took the responsibility an adult should have been doing anyhow. Thank you again for sharing your pain. It offers me a chance to say a prayer as I go through the posts.

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  21. And that's why children aren't supposed to be taking care of children. You didn't have the maturity to be caring for a crying infant. Sometimes adults don't even have the maturity to be caring for a crying infant, so how could you be expected to do any better. There should have been someone nurturing you instead.

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  22. I think you are too hard on yourself...you were a little child trying to survive the best you could.....

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