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Monday, March 8, 2010

Say Please

Funny how some things just kind of took me back to unpleasant memories even many years after. Simple words, simple gestures, or just simple expressions brought back the exact location and situation that happened long ago.

In recent weeks, each time my little boy came back from the weekend excursion with his father, he reminded me of those terrible experiences that I had with the X before. The words, "Say please" didn't bother me at first until it become consistent and persistent.

Each time I asked my boy for something, he turned around and told me, "Say please!" I did! I thought from the tone of my voice, and from the niceness of my asking, that good manner was included and understood.

Days after days, he continued this crusade even when I reminded him to take a shower. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff, as they said. I went along with what he said. Then it hit me! Yes, I've taught him to be respectful, and always carried good manners, but it has gone on too long, too far.

After all, I am the mom, and he is a son, right? So I was mad, and loudly showered him with unkind words. I reminded him his role as a child, and mine as a mother. Later on, when the anger has left me, I found my trigger! I explained to my little boy that I don't need to demand on those words when he asked for something. Our relationship should have that subtle understanding without rudeness or disrespectful.

It took me back to the last two years of my marriage, when the X insisted that I said "please" three times, and begged him three times if I ever wanted anything done around the house, even if it was just mowing the grass. Belittled, you bet! Humiliated in front of our children, that was for sure. Sometimes, he even accompanied a simple word "bitch" to the answer especially when the kids were not around. Those last two years of marriage were hell on earth for me.

Personally, I think people who demand on others to say please are insecure about who they are, and have low self-esteem within themselves. They just want to show the power they have over others to feel all mighty.

Within a loving, understanding, and respectful relationship these words, "please, and thank you" should be recognized in the tone of voice. It doesn't mean that we shouldn't say them ever, but say those words in the right situation and at appropriate time would be much better.

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  1. Gosh that is true. I never thought about it like that, and it is a natural word in my home. Of course when they where small it had to be reminded more...but now that they are older, they get it and know when to use it. At least you showed your kids you have self respect for yourself and got out of that rotten marriage. I have been with my husband for 17 years, and not one time has he ever called me a in his mind I am sure, Bitch would come in to play often LOL!~ But never out loud....thanks for sharing:)

  2. How unfortunate! Your words definitely speak truth!

  3. Whoa! that's not cool....He was treating you like he was in charge of you, not you of him! Children need to know manners, and manners do not include being disrespectful to their parents and demanding from their parents in that manner!

    I would of been really put off by this behavior as well.

    I'm sorry his behavior was so unfortunate as to bring back such ugly memories..and ps-your ex sounds like a real piece of work....thank god for the fact that he's not your EX!


  4. I completely agree in that telling someone to "say please" is not only showing their lack of self confidence but their ego trying to manipulate you and that's just not right.

  5. That power and control thing is one of those issues that manifests itself soooooo many ways in the interactions between two people! It's maddening! I'm glad you are not with your ex any longer.

    Please and thank you should be offered and not asked for (unless you're teaching a very young child). You can't demand please or thank you anymore than you can demand respect from someone.

    Great post!!

  6. You are right. The power play of an insecure heart.


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