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Friday, January 22, 2010

A Is For Abuse

Abuse comes in all forms, shapes, and types. I used to think that abuse has to leave physical marks in order for people to see. Back when I was a young girl, that was how it went. Beating, senseless hitting, kicking, or a knock down here and there! All had to do with physical touch.

How would I've known it was abuse if there were no bruises on my body for a girl who was barely eight years old? I was called all kind of names that you wouldn't find in the dictionary. I was to blame for everything that didn't go right. Those, to me, didn't hurt, and didn't burn the skin. So I didn't think it was another form of abuses.


I learned to live with all the beatings and punishments, because I believed I deserved it. I was different and was not normal. In fact, the society might even considered me as a beggar when I grow up, helpless, unproductive, and should be tossed aside.

So I took the beating! I grew fond of being physically tortured. On the day I didn't get hit, I waited for it, I wanted it to happen, and I craved for that stick to pound on my little body! I didn't feel right if there was no slap across the face, or a smack in the back of my head! Strange, but I remembered offering my abuser the stick, the ruler or whatever I could find at that moment.


Even at that young age, I later knew why I wanted to be beaten. I wanted to get it over with on that day so I could relax and prepared for the next day. I didn't want my abuser to hold an extra day over my head, and took it out harder on me when it would come.

No one in the family believed my story when I told them. Everyone thought that since I had a rich imagination, I had made it all up! I grew up not knowing what was truth, and what was not. I made believe that those horrible years with my abuser was just in my dream, until my abuser came clean years later.



(View my Childhood Series here!)





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20 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry this happened to you. People can be so cruel especially to children. It's just not right. I hope for a better life for you now.

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  2. Oh boy, I don't think my link to Alphabe-Thrusday takes you to my blog. Heres my link. Go back a couple of posts. My father has been abusing my mom for 61 years. Mentally and verbally. Abuse is sooo bad. Glad to hear that you are healing. Laurie http://lauriescharmingdesigns.
    blogspot.com/

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  3. I don't know what to say except I am sorry you went through that. Thank you for stopping by.

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  4. I can hear the little 8 yr old girl still crying inside and trying to understand why....I am giving that little girl a huge hug and I want her to know it was never her fault....Abuse is a horrible thing...I dont understand it and never will and I sorry you lived with it...Thanks for sharing something so painful....melinda

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  5. As a forensic nurse for the last 21years working in the field of child and adult sexual assault, I know full well about the horrors that are inflicted on other human beings...and how often, especially in the case of children, they are not believed. I am so sorry that you were subjected to such abuse and were not protected. I hope you were able to get into therapy, at long last, and that the healing has begun.

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  6. Powerful! So important for others to hear your story!

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  7. I abhor abuse of any kind ... I am so sorry you had to experience it, especially as a child.

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  8. Oh my... i hardly know what to say. No one should have to live like that. I feel so bad for what happened to you. I hope that you have someone (a counselor) that you can talk to, so that you will have emotional support as you try to heal and move past the abuse that you suffered.

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  9. Thank you everyone for coming to read my entries.

    I think I went a bit too heavy on my post, but I love to write :-)

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  10. I've been trying for two days to think what to say, and the only thing I can come up with is that I'm so sorry that you had to go through this. No one should every be subjected to abuse, and when it's a defenseless child it just makes it more horrific. Thank you for sharing such a painful story, and hopefully it will help someone out there escape the abuse that they are suffering. Hugs, Kathy

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  11. As a survivor I know your pain. I'm so glad you are able to verbalize your experience. It certainly helps. Keep sharing, I'll keep reading. My prayers are with you.
    Nancy

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  12. I applaud your courage and strength to write this post. I have very much enjoyed my visit to your blog.

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  13. That was a very powerful post ... an ugly word, abuse; and one that has to be used far too often in our world.
    Thank you for stopping by Love Living Simply :) .

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  14. I am amazed at the diversity and intensity of what has come out in so many blogs linked to Alphabe-Thursday. I hope telling your story helped in some small way. When I decided to let go of my very abusive first marriage I ended up writing almost 200 pages of pain that ended up leaving me oddly free of that horrible time. Thanks for trusting us with your story.

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  15. My sister and I were also abused, our abuser was our mother. And like you she used to verbally strike out at us, but she was physical too. The abuse made my sister think she was unworthy of love, and I think it still does. It made me mad, and resentful and well, a little mean. But as I grew older, I realized my mother was going through her own hell and did not handle it well. It took a long time but I finally came to the decision that my childhood was not going to define me. That is over and I can be a normal person. I refuse to let that influence my life, my childhood will not have that power. So, remember that you are not a child, you are strong, you don't need other peoples approval or sympathy, you are not at the mercy of your past. Start believing in yourself, and let the rest go. You won't believe the power you will have.

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  16. mbkatc230-It happens such a long time ago, but I just want to write about it.

    Gracie, Patricia, Catherine, Jenny--thank you for reading it..It's something I forgive, but can't forget.

    hash1712--No, that bad experience in my childhood didn't have a control of my life. I'm just writing it out loud..

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  17. I'm late arriving to your first Alphabe-Thursday post. I think you are a brave individual to share these feelings. The written word is a powerful tool.

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  18. I've read some of this. There are so many similarities to my life. No wonder we're drawn to each other, Icy.
    I mourn your lost childhood as I do mine. All we can do is forgive - for our own sake. Let the abusers face their own sin. We can't bear it on our own shoulders. It's too heavy.

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  19. hello.... you wrote your pain so well.. wish i could start...
    god bless as you walk each day ...
    i am happy i reached your blog... Terra Farmer... is such a solace for me...

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