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Saturday, January 2, 2010

Confronting The Raw Thoughts and Feelings

It is early on Saturday morning, and my three children are still sleeping. This is the first time in two years that they are all together under one roof. Today we count down for the oldest one to go back, and I suppose to throw a get together party for the family.

The thought depresses me, that by tomorrow evening I won't see my son around anymore for a very long time. I understand completely that he must have his own life, and that children grow up to leave home.

It is the circle of life! I did it, and now my children are doing it! It's a healthy way to do so, but it's also sad. Coming from a large family, I have never felt alone until my children left home. Well, get a life, you say! I do have a life, and I am quite busy with it. So busy in fact that those feelings have been tucked away for three years already.

When my son first moved away, I pretend as if he was still in his room sleeping, and that he would come home late at night to sleep. Then my daughter moved away to college, and the pretending game continues. I closed their bedroom doors and convinced my brain that they are in their rooms. Oh yes, I play the pretending game like many other moms that I know!

To cope with these RAW feelings, my mechanism has chosen to play trick in my mind. I won't be sad if I don't think about it. I won't feel alone, if I pretend that I have no kids. I won't feel hurt, if I pretend that I don't care. So on; so on, and so on! I'm sure if a shrink reads this, he/she may think that I have mental issues. So be it! It's how I feel!

The wind is blowing so hard outside, and the weather is freezing! I guess by confronting the fact that my oldest is leaving tomorrow, I might feel less painful and sad. The bitter taste of my coffee this morning is soothing my achy heart at the moment.

Thanks for being here!

1 comment:

  1. Interesting. You're not alone, many people feel this way - especially single moms. Fortunately, I don't have feelings this deeply about them going off...I guess I am use to it, and I can't wait for my life to begin.


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