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Thursday, February 4, 2010

C is For Communication

Being able to communicate with others is a skill, and a talent that I lacked. Even at this time in my life, I failed miserably. I admitted to this shortage of progress. In my mind, I had a whole conversation worked out with love, affection, and understanding. However, when facing with the person that the conversation should take place, everything escaped my mind. I was left with just anger, and stuttered words.

Growing up in an abusive environment, I was not allowed to talk, not even a little peep. Wrong or right I had to swallow my opinions and my thoughts. I learned to keep things inside. I learned to ignore what was said, and what was told to me. Having no voice shaped the incompetent communicator in me.


Once the communication was inhibited, the ability to express was also killed. I grew up not knowing how to show any emotion at all. Yet, I knew when I liked or not liked something. I knew the difference between love and hate, good and bad, right and wrong, alive and dead, nasty and nice. However, if I was confronted, I forced myself into an agreement without a word, despite how I deeply felt inside.

During an abuse session, a typical conversation went like this, for an example.

  • "Why are you crying? Don't you think you deserve it?"
  • "It hurts!"
  • "Why aren't you crying? It's not hurt enough?"
  • "I cried, you got mad!"
  • "Why don't look at me when I'm talking to you?"
  • "I'm looking."
  • "I'll poke your eyes out if you look at me!"

In my early childhood, the two ways conversation was shut down. I became smarter by not open my mouth to say anything, since my answers seemed to set off another opposite reaction from my abuser. There was no justification to whatever happened. Right or wrong, I had to keep quiet.

I cried because it hurt, but I also got more beating. I didn't cry because I didn't want more beating, but I still did get more beating because my abuser didn't think the beating was strong enough to hurt. I looked because I was asked too, but when I did look, my abuser got angrier.

The small girl in me learned very fast that communication was not the way to go, and just shut off completely.



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17 comments:

  1. Thank goodness you are able to communicate now. Your words are always so heartbreaking to read but I hope getting it out helps you.

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  2. I am so glad you are sharing this. I am so glad you are giving yourself permission to communicate all these horrors and sadness. We have a little saying of support we use within a little circle of support I have with other mothers of addicts. YANABM (you are not a bad Mom) Can I please extend to you - YWNABC - you were not a bad child.
    I'm sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you are letting the sunshine find this blackness and begin the healing. Hugs and hope! Thank you for trusting us with this. A+ (and a big hug even though I think teachers are now banned from doing that)

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  3. It sounds like you had a very difficult childhood, where, no matter what you did, it was wrong. No one was there to listen or to love you. Thankfully, as an adult, you are able to voice your feelings, though, I imagine, it's probably taken you a long time to get to this place. I applaud you for sharing and hope that you have found love and support in your life now.

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  4. Jenny says it beautifully. I hope your days are filled with sunshine.

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  5. i hope you are communicating better now :D

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  6. You learned how to communicate beautifully through your writing. It is heartwrenching to read, but I can feel the healing that takes place with every word. God bless anyone who is going through this kind of abuse, hopefully your words will give them comfort and the knowledge that they can get through and move on with their lives. And most importantly, that they did nothing to bring this on themselves. Hugs to you. Kathy

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  7. awww that's so sad and unfair. Not having the chance to show emotion is stifling init?

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  8. That is so sad. I'm so sorry for your pain.

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  9. I think that the most unfair thing you can do to a person is not allowing them to speak! You can always talk to me with your words. You are special and important!

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  10. My mother heart breaks for the childhood you had. I am glad you are learning to work through the hurt and abuse you experienced. You have definitely learned to communicate your feelings without fear.

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  11. Though all these memory of pain. May you find solace in knowing that we have someone Who cares for us. Who listen to the deepest depth of our hearts and knows everything about us.

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  12. I love the fact that you are communicating now, and quite well ... big (((hugs))) to you ... it takes a lot of bravery to "come out of the closet" so to speak and talk so openly about issues :)

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  13. I'm so glad you have this venue to write about what was done to you. Thank you for sharing.

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  14. I think being able to write about is a big step towards healing...it is pretty courageous!

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  15. Well it sounds like your childhood was intense and filled with sadness. On a level, I can relate about how religion often gets woven into the pie..strange as it is? Well, I write due to the trouble I encountered in regard to communication as well. Sometimes words even get in my way (lol). It can be a good outlet, yet it was actually the pain which forced me into getting answers which I think is crucial.
    I've been out a bit and haven't been really focused enough when I am here to respond. So, I'm trying to catch up a little.
    Anyway..till later, Regina-

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