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Thursday, December 31, 2009

Guarded Feelings

My oldest boy came home on the bus on December 30th at 7:05 in the morning from the East Coast! My niece, my daughter and I went to the bus station down town to pick him up. For some reasons, my day was thrown off completely even though I woke up at 6:00 every day.

Now, I haven't seen him during the Holidays for two years! Before he even comes home, I've already prepared for his leaving! I don't allow myself to be happy fully because I know that I won't see him around in four days. So my RAW feelings begin.


Well, like most people in this world, I feel abandoned and neglected! I woke up one day, and two out of three children flew the coop. Swoosh, they're gone into their own world! I didn't have time to prepare, to understand, or to realize that they have grown up.

What happened? Where did the time go? Why am I suddenly all alone? They don't call me as often as they should have, and I don't call them thinking that if they don't care, I don't care! Slowly, resentments build in! Pain and ache numb my feelings.


I'm very guarded with my feelings now. I don't think about my kids. I don't miss my kids. I don't talk to them unless they want to talk. Right or wrong, I don't know. I just don't want to feel the agonies of this life's circle.

Is it normal to feel numbed and guarded? Is this where motherhood comes to an end? I know, I still have another one at home, but already I'm prepared for when he leaves home. I can't explain my feelings; I just know that I'm very numb with my thoughts..

Thanks for being here!


1 comment:

  1. Hi there. I was a single mom for quiet awhile after my first husband died. I don't know your background..what's factored in as far as some of the pain and disillusionment? My heart goes out though. There have been times when it seemed hopeless..(relationships take work and it is a struggle -but don't give up. Regina-

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